


You Made Me Live Again

by KyluxFicHell



Series: This Time I Know It’s For Real [2]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, Queen (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Boys supporting each other, Difficult childbirth, Fluff, Future Fic, M/M, Marriage, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Oral Sex, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-12-24 18:31:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21104051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyluxFicHell/pseuds/KyluxFicHell
Summary: Gwil nudges him playfully. “You seem to be falling into the role of househusband quite naturally.”Joe’s smile falters a little, and self-consciousness washes through him. He loves his life with his family, he loves being a dad, but he feels as though there’s a hole in his heart where his career once was. The work hasn’t been coming in as steadily as he’d hoped after BoRhap, and after Jack had been born he’d asked his agent to stop actively looking for new projects.It’s not as if he needs to work; his and John’s financial situation is very secure, but Joe misses acting. He misses doing the thing he loves most; the only thing he’s ever really been good at.ORThree years after giving birth to his son and marrying John, Joe shares an idyllic life with his family in London. But his stagnant career, combined with the stress of trying to conceive another baby, puts a strain on his marriage that he hadn’t anticipated. Especially when he’s haunted by thoughts of the mortality of his much older husband...Sequel to This Time I Know It’s For Real





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so thrilled that so many people enjoyed This Time I Know It’s For Real, and have been helping me to expand this universe over on tumblr. I’ve been promising a sequel for a while so thank you so much for your patience. I hope you all enjoy it, and as always drop me any thoughts or questions in the comments below or on tumblr @bohemian-rhapsody-slash
> 
> If you haven’t read This Time I Know It’s For Real, it may help to read that first. These fics are set in a universe where mpreg is a social norm so if mpreg isn’t your cup of tea, this fic might not be for you!
> 
> Warning in this chapter for mentions of miscarriage.
> 
> Disclaimer: Everything written here is completely fictional which includes fictional versions of the people mentioned. I don’t own anyone and this is a fictional story set in an alternate universe.

“I think this mayonnaise has gone off.”

John keeps his eyes on the road ahead but frowns. “Mm?”

Joe sighs with frustration as he lifts the tin foil from the top of the bowl to sniff at its contents. “The mayo in this potato salad. It smells a bit weird.”

It’s not often that Joe goes to the effort of making dishes himself, so he’s a little disappointed by the odd aroma of the potato salad he’d spent most of yesterday afternoon making. 

“I’m sure it’s fine, love. I only bought the mayo yesterday and that bowl’s been sitting in the fridge all night.”

Joe makes a face as he covers the dish again. “If Ben gets food poisoning I just know he’s gonna blame me.”

“Unca Ben!” 

Joe twists in the passenger seat to grin at his son in the back of the car. Jack is strapped into his booster seat, clutching his stuffed monkey and giving a toothy smile. 

Joe still can’t quite believe how _big_ his son is now. It seems like only yesterday he was holding his baby in his arms, and now here he is sitting in a booster seat instead of a baby car seat, and for no particular reason at all Joe feels overwhelmed by how _quickly_ Jack is growing up. Joe knows that he’s biased, but his son really has grown into such a gorgeous little boy. 

“That’s right, honey,” Joe says, reaching back to stroke Jack’s hair. “We’re going to see Uncle Ben.”

Jack giggles and turns red, clutching his monkey closer. “Unca Ben! Unca Ben!”

“Have you got your drawing ready?” John chuckles, glancing in the rear view mirror as he pulls into Gwil and Ben’s road.

“Yeah!” Jack waves a crumpled piece of paper in the air. He’d spent all day yesterday diligently working on his drawing for Ben, and when Joe had asked him about it, Jack had simply turned red and attempted to cover up his work with his tiny hands (although it was quite obvious to Joe that it was meant to be a drawing of Jack holding Ben’s hand, surrounded by lots of colourful hearts). 

Joe feels a warm hand on his knee, and he turns to smile at his husband. 

_His husband. _

Even after nearly three years of marriage, Joe still can’t quite get used to referring to _John Deacon_ by that title. _His husband._

Most of the time it doesn’t really register to Joe that he’s married to _John Deacon_; John is just _John_, his husband- this incredible kind, loving, caring man who makes Joe happier than he ever thought he could be. Sometimes though his brain does randomly choose to remind him that his husband was once part of one of the most awesome rock bands on the planet, and it still makes Joe a little giddy to think about it. 

But John is still his incredible husband above all else. They cook together and laugh together and raise their beautiful son together. They bicker and squabble and moan, but ultimately they love and support and nurture each other. 

Joe is part of an actual _marriage_, and he feels incredibly proud (and very grown up, if he’s allowed to admit it) as well as unbelievably happy.

“Do you want to drive home or do you want me to drive home?” John asks with a raised eyebrow. “Just so I know if I’m allowed to drink.”

“I think it’s probably a good idea if you drive home,” Joe replies. “I’m still really iffy with driving on the left.”

“You’ve lived here for three years, Joe!”

“I know, but I need more practice! Every time I attempt to drive here I either stall or get stuck on a roundabout or get confused turning right-“

“We’ll practice some more,” John chuckles. 

John had accompanied Joe on a few practice runs not long after Joe had moved to London, but they’d been so disastrous that Joe had ended up demonstrating to John how terrible his road rage can get. The practice driving sessions had therefore been abandoned (after a great deal of patience from John), so Joe guesses that it’s probably about time he attempts to drive again. 

When they finally pull up outside the house, Joe unbuckles his seatbelt and balances the bowl of potato salad in one hand as he rummages around for the bag filled with Jack’s diapers, wipes and snacks. John takes charge of unbuckling their son from his seat in the back, tickling Jack before he gently lifts the boy from the car. 

Gwil is already waiting for them at the front door, smiling as the Deacon family make their way up the garden path. 

“Unca Gwil!” Jack cries excitedly, giving a very clumsy wave from John’s arms. “Hi, Unca Gwil!” 

“Hi there, little man,” Gwil grins, taking Jack from John to blow a raspberry on his cheek. “How are you today?”

“I’m okay.” Jack smiles and waves his monkey in Gwil’s face. “I brought monkey!”

“Hello monkey.” Gwil kisses the monkey before gently setting Jack down on the floor so that he can give John a hug. “I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve seen you guys.”

“It has been a while,” John chuckles as Gwil steps aside to let them in. “The house is looking good though. The paint job in the hallway looks nice.”

“Thanks.” Gwil smiles at the praise. “I’ve done most of the decorating. I’ve still got some work to do in the bedrooms upstairs- I was actually hoping you’d take a look at some of the wiring up there; it’s a bit of a mess.”

“Yes, of course.” 

“We’re gonna start charging for his services,” Joe says playfully, pushing himself onto his toes to hug Gwil and kiss his cheek. “£10 an hour. And you still owe us a fee from when John fixed your TV.”

“Har har.” Gwil gives the younger man a playful nudge. “Listen, Ben’s in the garden and is desperate to see his special little man.”

Joe opens his mouth to make a joke but Gwil anticipates it and quickly interrupts. 

“I’m talking about _Jack_, of course. Why don’t you guys head out and I’ll quickly show John this wiring?”

Jack beams and immediately darts through the hallway in the direction of the French doors at the back of the house, his little legs carrying him clumsily to his destination. 

Joe gives Gwil an apologetic smile before running after his son, keeping the bowl of potato salad carefully balanced in both hands. 

By the time he makes it into the garden, he finds Ben already picking Jack up for a cuddle. The garden table is set with cutlery for four, plus a high chair for Jack, and some packets of burgers and sausages are laid out neatly by the barbecue. 

Joe loves watching Ben and Jack together. Ben is so good with kids, and Jack absolutely adores him. The two of them have always gelled well together, to the extent that Jack has even come to develop a little crush on Ben.

Joe grins as Jack shyly presents Ben with his drawing, blushing when he receives a sloppy kiss on the cheek and some admiring praise in return. Joe can’t think of anyone better for his son to fixate on for his first crush. 

“This is going right up on the fridge,” Ben grins. “Did Dada bring your toys? Look, we’ve set up a little blanket where you can play.”

Jack smiles eagerly as he’s placed down onto the little picnic blanket, and Joe dumps the bag next to him so that his son can rummage through for his toys.

“Don’t touch the snacks,” Joe says warningly. “Those are for later.”

While Jack is distracted, Joe turns to his friend and pulls him into a hug. 

“How are you, man? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“I’m good, thanks.” Ben smiles, but he looks pale and tired, and also a bit slimmer than the last time Joe saw him. “It’s good to see you, buddy.”

“Are you okay?” Joe can’t help but notice the dark circles under his eyes. “Gwil said you’d been ill recently when I spoke to him on the phone the other day.”

Ben freezes for a moment, but then nods. “Yeah, I’ve been a bit under the weather. But I’m really glad you guys are here. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you for ages.”

“Jack’s definitely been looking forward to seeing _you_. It’s all he’s talked about this week.” Joe can still sense that something isn’t quite right though; uneasiness is radiating from the younger man, which is very unusual. “How’s work going?”

Ben wraps his arms around his chest, looking a little self conscious. “Um. We’re on a break for a few weeks actually. The director wanted me to spend some time resting.”

Joe frowns. Something _definitely_ isn’t right. He’d known Ben had been unwell, but it must have been something fairly serious if Ben has had to take time off work.

“Unca Ben!” Jack cries, holding up his monkey and his favourite Barbie. “Come and play with me!”

Ben’s smile becomes more genuine as he glances at the boy, before giving Joe a reassuring look. “We’ll talk later, yeah? I need to entertain your son.”

Joe nods, trying to fight the concern building in his chest. “Sure.”

Ben’s cheerful demeanour returns as soon as he seats himself on the blanket next to Jack, which Joe attributes to the younger man’s skills as an actor. 

At that moment they’re interrupted by Gwil and John, who step into the garden deep in conversation. Gwil has donned a rather colourful chef’s apron, which Joe raises an eyebrow at. 

“One comment from you and you won’t be eating,” Gwil says firmly, picking up a spatula from the barbecue and waving it in Joe’s direction.

“I didn’t say anything!” Joe splutters as John brushes past him with a kiss to his temple, heading over to join Ben and Jack on the blanket. 

“You mocked me with your eyes.” Gwil starts peeling back the plastic from a pack of burgers. “Come and give me a hand with these. Make yourself useful.”

Joe does as he’s told, and they spend a few minutes working together in companionable silence. Gwil hands him a beer as he fires up the barbecue, and soon they’re both quietly flipping burgers and blinking away tears as smoke blows into their faces. 

“John offered to come back next weekend and help me fix our wiring problem,” Gwil says conversationally. “Your husband is a very handy man to know.”

“Yeah, he’s great with stuff like that.” Joe smiles warmly. “He’s good with DIY and stuff around the house. I’m completely useless.”

“You make other contributions to your marriage. John was saying how much he loves your cooking.”

Joe grins proudly. “I have come a long way with cooking. I’ve already thought of some stuff I wanna make when Jack’s a little older and can eat proper food. Also, I brought some potato salad which I made yesterday but I’m convinced the mayo’s gone off.”

Gwil nudges him playfully. “You seem to be falling into the role of househusband quite naturally.”

Joe’s smile falters a little, and self-consciousness washes through him. He loves his life with his family, he _loves_ being a dad, but he feels as though there’s a hole in his heart where his career once was. The work hasn’t been coming in as steadily as he’d hoped after BoRhap, and after Jack had been born he’d asked his agent to stop actively looking for new projects. 

It’s not as if he _needs_ to work; his and John’s financial situation is very secure, but Joe misses acting. He misses doing the thing he loves most; the only thing he’s ever really been good at. 

It’s only in the last few months after a lengthy discussion with John, who had immediately voiced his support, that Joe has had the confidence to resume hunting for roles. His efforts have so far been fruitless apart from the odd small TV role; his time out of the industry to raise his son seems to have diminished his reputation somewhat. He’s become more _forgettable_. He doesn’t regret having Jack for a second, but he knows his son is the reason his career hasn’t continued on the same trajectory as Gwil or Ben’s. 

“Hey,” Gwil says softly. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant you’re such a good dad and husband-“

“I know.” Joe smiles and nudges Gwil back. “Thanks. It’s been amazing, but I’m looking to try and go back to work soon. How about your new project? How’s that been going?”

“Good.” Gwil avoids eye contact as he flips the burgers. “I’m really enjoying it. It’s not as fun as BoRhap, of course.”

“Of course.”

“But it’s great. My cast mates are nice. They were really understanding when I had to take some time off recently to take care of Ben.”

Joe frowns, and that concern that had been building earlier suddenly creeps back into the pit of his stomach. “Wow, he was really sick, huh? Bad case of man-flu?”

He attempts it as a joke, but he’s seriously worried now, and Gwil’s expression is pained.

Gwil glances over at his husband, still distracted by Jack and John, before his shoulders slump. “Ben had a miscarriage.”

Gwil’s voice is small and weak and it makes Joe’s stomach sink.

He can see the pain in Gwil’s eyes as soon as he says those words, and it breaks his heart. Although they’ve been pretty quiet about it, Joe knows that Gwil and Ben have been trying for a baby for a little while now. He can tell from the way they behave around Jack that they both long for kids, and they’d make such incredible parents. 

“I’m so sorry, Gwil,” Joe says softly, pulling his friend in for a hug. “I had no idea he was pregnant.”

“We didn’t tell anyone,” Gwil says, failing to keep the misery from his voice. “We didn’t want to get our hopes up. We decided to wait until Ben was 12 weeks along just to be safe, but obviously we never made it that far. He miscarried a few weeks ago.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I knew something wasn’t right with him as soon as I got here.”

“Yeah, he was in a pretty rough space. Thankfully he recovered fairly quickly physically, but it’s hit him quite hard emotionally. You know how badly he wants to be a dad.”

Joe nods. “I know. Look, this is totally shit and I know it doesn’t mean much, but John and I are here for you. If you just wanna talk or hang out or whatever, we’ve got your backs.”

“I know.” Gwil smiles gratefully. “That’s why I’m really glad you’re here today.”

Gwil clearly doesn’t want to talk about it anymore as he quickly changes the subject to John and Joe’s recent trip to Cornwall. Joe decides not to push him and instead starts telling him about the little cottage they’d rented in Newquay and how Jack had a great time fishing for crabs on the pier and collecting shells on the beach. 

By the time they all sit down to eat, Gwil is smiling again and Ben’s earlier mood also seems to have improved a bit. Even Jack seems relatively co-operative when Joe attempts to feed him some cucumber. 

“Not being so fussy with your food today, are you, tiny trouble?” John comments with a smile, reaching over to stroke his son’s hair.

Jack just hums happily in his high chair, munching on the tiny chunks of food that Joe cuts up for him. 

“He’s being a very good boy,” Ben praises, giving Jack a wink, and the boy giggles and blushes again. 

“Thank you again for hosting us,” John says with a smile. “I know it’s hard work entertaining guests who have a toddler.”

“It’s no problem at all,” Gwil grins. “You guys know we love hanging out with you.”

“Well we’ll have to have you two over again sometime,” John says. “Jack would love to show you the new wallpaper in his bedroom.”

“It has lions on it,” Jack chips in.

“Sounds amazing,” Ben chuckles. “Also Roger texted me the other day and said that he and Brian have just got back from LA, so it might be fun if the six of us got together. Dunno about Rami and Lucy- I think they might be stuck in New York for the next month or so.”

Despite the unsettling atmosphere from earlier, the rest of the afternoon is really pleasant; it’s surprisingly warm for an English summer and Joe is happy to spend some quality time with his friends again. He manages to snap a few cute photos of John and Jack together, and then Joe hands John his phone to take a photo of the three younger men with Jack, which Joe promptly uploads to Instagram. 

_joe_deacon Team Lee and Team Deacon reunited! Thanks to @mrgwilymlee and @benlee for hosting me, hubby and Jack! _

After lunch he’s supplied with more beer (John graciously remains on soft drinks as the designated driver), and he’s able to kick back on a sun lounger while Gwil and John take turns chasing Jack round the garden. It had been a battle to get Jack to wear his hat and even more of a struggle to put some sunscreen on him; John had to use his stern fatherly voice to get Jack to stand still long enough to gently rub the cream into his skin (and Joe makes a mental note to ask John to use that stern voice when they’re in bed together tonight). 

Joe smiles as he sips his beer and watches Jack squeal with delight when Gwil ambushes him from behind a tree. 

“John’s in pretty good shape,” Ben comments as the older man picks Jack up and swings him round. “I bet the athletic sex you guys have keeps him young.”

“Well yeah,” Joe laughs. “My dick has magical anti-ageing properties you know.”

Joe doesn’t like to think about John’s age too much. Ever since they’d first got together it had been something he’d been aware of but hadn’t let affect their relationship too much, but it’s becoming something he thinks about more and more these days. They’d celebrated John’s 70th birthday last summer with a quiet party at their home- just the Deacon family, Brian and Roger, Gwil and Ben, and Rami and Lucy. But seeing John’s adult children and grandchildren in a room together with Jack had made Joe very conscious of his husband’s age in a way that had made him feel a little uneasy. 

John is in good health and is relatively fit, and he’s even cut down on his smoking habit at Joe’s request. So while Joe isn’t immediately concerned, his husband’s mortality is always a ticking clock in the back of his mind. He’s more aware of it now that they’re trying for another baby; John’s initial resistance to having another child because of his age hadn’t been difficult to overcome, but it’s a thought that occasionally pops into Joe’s head now and then. He knows it’s what they both want, and it’s a worry he’s just going to have to live with. 

The thought of him and John trying for another baby reminds Joe about his earlier conversation with Gwil, and he figures this is probably the only time alone he’s going to get alone with Ben to check he’s okay.

“Hey,” Joe says softly, his tone more serious as he thumbs at the label on his beer bottle. “So I was talking to Gwil earlier and he told me why you were sick a few weeks ago. I just wanted to say I’m really sorry, Ben.”

The smile on Ben’s face disappears, and he bites his lip. He looks so young and vulnerable in that moment that Joe just wants to take him in his arms and hug him. 

“Yeah,” Ben says quietly, his eyes slightly wet. “Thanks, mate. It’s been really rough.”

“I’m always here for you.” Joe reaches over to hold Ben’s hand. “If you ever need someone outside of your marriage to talk to, then I’m here. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through but if there’s anything I can do then let me know.”

Ben nods and forces a smile. “Thanks. The doctor said miscarriages are quite common very early in a pregnancy, and there’s nothing in particular that caused it. We just got unlucky. It didn’t help that we let ourselves get too excited too early.” He rubs a hand over his face. “It’s just that we’ve been trying for _ages_, Joe. I know they say you shouldn’t get worried until you’ve been trying for a year, but I can’t help but feel like something’s not right. And now I’ve had this miscarriage I’m convinced there’s something wrong with _me_-“

“Hey.” Joe slips over to Ben’s sun lounger to pull him into a hug. “Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself. These things happen and it’s nobody’s fault. And sometimes it takes a while to get pregnant, even when everything is 100% okay.”

“It didn’t take _you_ a while,” Ben says bitterly, almost like an accusation. “And you’re older than me.” 

Joe sits there stunned for a moment, not quite sure what to say to that, but Ben quickly clasps a hand over his mouth, clearly shocked with himself. 

“Fuck, Joe, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m so fucking sorry. You know I love you and John and Jack-“

Joe squeezes Ben’s middle. “It’s okay. I know. And I know how much you want a baby and you’ve been through a lot. It’ll happen for you, Ben. And until it does we’re all here for you.”

Ben rests his head on Joe’s shoulder, and they cuddle up on the sun lounger together. John and Gwil thankfully seem to realise that the two younger men need some quiet time alone, and manage to keep Jack suitably distracted for a little while. 

Jack requests endless games of hide and seek with Gwil and John, who both look pretty exhausted by the time the sun starts to disappear. When John subtly suggests that they should make a move, Ben thankfully looks like he’s in a slightly better mood. 

It takes Joe a while to locate all of Jack’s toys and neatly pack them away, before taking his son inside to do a quick diaper change. Jack seems to be completely worn out; he’s very quiet and lets out several little yawns. He only becomes talkative again when they’re about to leave and are saying goodbye to Gwil and Ben. 

“When will you come to my house, Unca Ben?” Jack asks when Ben gives him a goodbye kiss. 

“Maybe next week?” Ben suggests. “Daddy and Dada were telling me they’d quite like to go to the cinema one night next week, so maybe me and Uncle Gwil could come and look after you?”

Jack nods enthusiastically. “Yeah! Yeah, let’s do that!”

“If you’re good then we might let you stay up late,” Gwil says with a wink. 

Jack gives Gwil and Ben a cuddle and a kiss goodbye, and Joe smiles when he overhears his son telling Ben he loves him. He hopes that cheers his friend up at least a little bit. 

The minute they buckle Jack into his car seat he pretty much passes out, and Joe gives his friends a wave as John pulls away from the house. 

They sit in companionable silence for a while, enjoying the peace while it lasts. 

“Everything okay?” John asks eventually, keeping his eyes on the road. “You and Ben looked like you were having a bit of a moment earlier.”

“Yeah.” Joe sinks further into the passenger seat. “He’s going through some stuff.”

“I know. Gwil told me about the miscarriage.”

Joe frowns. “He did?”

“Yes. When we were upstairs. He ended up having a cry, poor thing; I think he was desperate to talk to someone about it. I think he’s just as fragile as Ben at the moment but doesn’t want to show it.”

Joe bites his lip. “We need to try and see them more often. It’s like trying for a baby is all Ben thinks about right now, and we just need to try and take their minds off it for a while.”

John nods. “I know that feeling.”

Joe fidgets with his hands nervously. “I know it’s totally selfish of me, but when Ben was talking today about how he was worried there might be something wrong with him...I couldn’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with _me_.”

John frowns. “Joe-“

“I’m 38; I’m not exactly still at my peak fertility-“

“_Sweetheart_,” John says firmly. “There’s no use worrying about it. We’ve only been trying a few months.”

Joe bites one of his nails. “Uh huh. You’re right. No use worrying about it.”

Of course, all Joe does on the way home is _worry_ about it, to the extent where John gives him a reassuring kiss the moment he parks the car in the driveway of their home. 

“Love you, trouble,” John says with a warm smile. 

“Love you too, honey.” Joe smiles back.

John insists on unbuckling Jack from his seat and carrying him upstairs to bed, while Joe takes care of sorting out the contents of the bag- replacing Jack’s toys carefully in their rightful homes and placing the unused diapers back in the cupboard. He checks his phone and grins when he sees that Gwil has posted a comment under the photo he uploaded to Instagram that afternoon.

_mrgwilymlee @joe_deacon stop drinking my beer and go home! (all other Deacons welcome to stay though) _

By the time John has put Jack to bed and returned downstairs, they’ve both changed into their sweats and Joe has poured them each a glass of wine. 

“Alcohol, finally!” John chuckles as he gratefully takes a glass. “I love playing with Jack but the boy is exhausting.”

Joe knows that they’ll both be too tired to try tonight, so he doesn’t even bother thinking about sex as they curl up on the sofa together. He scrolls through Netflix and insists they watch Miss Congeniality; John _must_ be exhausted because he immediately agrees without putting up a fight.

Joe makes himself comfortable in John’s arms as the movie plays, pulling a blanket over them both. He feels safe and warm and loved, and he knows that John was right about it being pointless worrying over their ability to conceive again. 

He decides to focus on the fact that he has a loving husband and a gorgeous son, and he’s never been happier in his life. 

Right now, everything is perfect. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Joe continue to try for a baby, but feel themselves becoming overwhelmed with frustration...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments on the first chapter! It’s so good to be back in this AU and I hope you’re all enjoying it so far :)
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments or on tumblr!

“I feel like I should be on my back for this.”

John slows his thrusting, but doesn’t stop entirely. “Mm?”

“Yeah.” Joe twists his neck to look over his shoulder, shifting on his knees. “Isn’t being on your back meant to be better for conception?”

“Er, I suppose so.”

John halts and pulls out gently so that they can manoeuvre themselves into position. Joe makes himself comfortable on his back, spreading his legs and hitching them up so that John can settle between them and enter him again. It’s nicer to be able to see him while they do this anyway.

Joe wraps his arms around his husband and kisses his jaw, his mind starting to drift as John begins to fuck him gently again. This is the fourth time this week they’ve had sex, which is a little above average compared to the first few years of their marriage, but the frequency of sex has steadily increased since they started trying for another baby. 

Joe had always figured that once Jack started to sleep through the night and they had the time to try and conceive again, the quality of their sex life would be even better. And while the frequency of sex has certainly increased, Joe finds himself becoming sadly frustrated with how mechanical the whole thing is becoming. 

It was great when they first started trying. They’d fuck like animals at every opportunity they got- devouring each other in their excitement to enjoy each other’s bodies again and make another baby. 

But it’s become a tired routine now. Each negative pregnancy test wears them down a little and slowly crushes their optimism. There’s barely any joy in it anymore. The purpose of them having sex isn’t for pleasure; it’s purely to conceive a child. They have a task at hand, a task which they’ve repeatedly failed over several months. Their determination to succeed has left Joe feeling as though they’re only going through the motions in bed. 

Joe forces out a pleasured moan as John comes inside him. He never thought it would come to him faking or playing up his pleasure this early in his marriage, but trying for a baby is _exhausting_. He’s not at the height of arousal every single time they have sex, but he also doesn’t want to discourage his husband. John has enough insecurities about being able to satisfy Joe in bed, so Joe’s certainly determined to avoid leaving John thinking that he’s not doing a good job here.

John stays inside him for a few minutes, kissing his neck as he dutifully jerks Joe off, and Joe clings to his husband as he comes. 

When they separate with a chaste kiss, they clean up in silence, meandering around each other in the bathroom as they wipe themselves down and search for fresh underwear. There was a time where Joe’s chest would feel warm as they pottered around each other naked, stealing shy glances at each other as they went about their routines. There used to be playful touches and gropes, which are non-existent these days. 

The domesticity of it is still nice; they still exchange warm smiles in the mirror as Joe showers and John brushes his teeth. John presses a gentle kiss to Joe’s temple and hands him a fresh pair of briefs when he climbs out of the shower, and they finish their routine in silence.

“I feel good about it this time,” John says with a smile as they climb into bed. “I think we’ll get lucky.”

“Yeah,” Joe says as he settles into John’s arms. “Me too.”

He’s not quite sure he believes himself.

*****

They don’t get lucky. 

Joe doesn’t know why he bothers to get his hopes up every time; it only makes him more upset when he stares at the tiny pink line on the test. It only makes him feel like more of a failure. 

John has got better at hiding his disappointment every time Joe brings him a negative pregnancy test, and he simply pulls his husband into a hug and gives him a soft kiss. 

“Maybe next time, love.” John’s voice is full of warmth, but he sounds less hopeful every time. 

Joe never thought that sex would feel like a chore, especially not with _John_, but he’s starting to find himself becoming more anxious and less relaxed every time they climb into bed. John is even starting to notice. 

“Why don’t we try something different tonight?” John suggests as he watches Joe take off his clothes one evening. “Why don’t you fuck me? It’s been ages since we’ve done that.”

Joe pauses, a little startled by the suggestion. “You want _me_ to fuck _you_? I hate to be the one to give you a biology lesson, honey, but _your_ dick has to be in _me_ to get me pregnant.”

John rolls his eyes playfully. “I’m very aware of that, Joseph. I just thought it might be nice to enjoy sex without being obsessed over making a baby-“

“_Obsessed_?” Joe feels his stomach drop. “You want this baby as much as I do.” He swallows. “Don’t you?”

“Of course I do, sweetheart. But it shouldn’t be the only thing we focus on in our lives. I want you to _enjoy_ sex. Not just lie there and give me fake moans.”

Joe clenches his jaw. He’s clearly not as good an actor as he thought he was. 

“Come here, trouble,” John says softly, pulling Joe into a hug. “Trying for a baby is tiring business. It takes its toll, physically and emotionally, especially since we never really went through this the first time. Sometimes it’s just nice to take a break and have sex for fun. Or we can just cuddle if you’re tired.”

Joe knows his husband is right. Trying unsuccessfully for a baby has started to take a toll on their sex life, and if they’re not careful it will start to affect other aspects of their marriage. He thinks of the call he’d had from Ben the other night, and how his friend had sobbed down the phone about the argument he’d had with Gwil over how much importance they were placing on having a baby. 

Joe kisses his husband’s jaw. “No, you’re right. Let me fuck you. It’s been a while since you’ve bottomed and I know how much you love it.”

John flushes red and chuckles. “Perhaps you can pretend you’re trying to get _me_ pregnant tonight.”

Joe raises an eyebrow, his dick twitching with interest, and John flushes even redder.

“Forget I said that,” John says quickly. 

But the thought is planted in Joe’s brain now.

“Have you ever wanted to be pregnant?” Joe asks gently. “I know you never got the chance with Freddie and then you were with Ronnie...”

John shrugs, not meeting his husband’s eyes. “I mean, I’m really happy with how things turned out...but I’ve always wondered what it would have been like if I’d had the chance to carry a baby myself. If I were thirty years younger and still at an age where I could conceive, I would offer to carry this baby for us in a heartbeat.”

“You’d look beautiful pregnant.” Joe grins. “God, you’d have been gorgeous in the 70s with your long hair or in the 80s with your perm, cupping a big baby bump-“

John gives a sad smile, finally meeting Joe’s eyes.

Joe’s voice softens. “You’d still look beautiful if you were pregnant now, John. I mean, I know it’s not possible, but it’s a nice thought right?”

John smiles shyly. “Yes, it’s a nice thought.”

Joe leans forward to brush his lips against John’s ear. “So let’s make a baby.”

John stiffens as Joe tugs down his shorts as they kiss, gently guiding him down onto the bed. It certainly makes a change being the more dominant one in bed; Joe’s always enjoyed topping, and it _has_ been ages since he’s done this. He loves the feeling of John submissive and pliant beneath him. 

He’d almost forgotten how gorgeous John’s moans are when he’s being fingered. Joe can’t believe he’s been denying his husband this for so long; he can’t believe he’s become so obsessed with getting pregnant that he’d been neglecting John’s needs. Not to mention Joe loves the power of being able to make his husband writhe on the sheets like this.

“No condom,” John says breathlessly when Joe reaches for the box in the top drawer of the nightstand, that shy look returning. “We’re trying to make a baby remember.”

“Right.” Joe grins. He loves that John is losing himself in the fantasy and wanting to keep their role-play realistic right down to the last detail. They both know that John is too old to fall pregnant, but the act still feels special and intimate. 

Joe has never fucked John without a condom before; he’s warm and tight and it’s incredibly intimate. It’s so good to have John like this again, and to be able to take the time to enjoy the pleasure building in his stomach rather than focussing on an end goal. John hitches his thighs up as Joe fucks him slowly, angling his cock to hit the older man’s sweet spot. 

“That good, baby?” Joe pants. 

“_Yes.” _John squeezes Joe’s hips with his thighs and brushes their noses together. “It’s so good, Joe.”

“Gonna nail you into the mattress,” Joe growls. “Gonna knock you up, John.”

Joe gives what he likes to think is one of his strongest performances in the bedroom. John is never usually particularly loud in bed, even when he’s _really_ enjoying himself, so Joe feels particularly pleased when John starts letting out little moans and gasps with every thrust. It’s almost pornographic.

It doesn’t take long for John to come when Joe touches his cock, and it only takes a few more deep thrusts for Joe to follow. There are red splotches all over John’s skin- his neck, chest, stomach, and thighs, which is always a sign that he’s really enjoyed himself. 

“Wow,” John sighs happily.

“Uh-huh,” Joe grins. “That was so hot. I’ve missed fucking you.”

“I’ve missed being fucked. Although I now appreciate why you complain about the mess from sex without a condom.” John shifts carefully as Joe gently pulls out.

Joe helps John clean up in the bathroom; it’s not the most glamorous task, but again it feels incredibly intimate and it’s great that John has this level of trust and comfort with him. 

They settle into bed together, weak-kneed and pleasantly tired, and Joe smiles when John settles his head on Joe’s chest. 

Despite the fact that Joe knows they haven’t made a baby tonight, he feels a lot more positive than he has done in a while. 

*****

Joe is in a good mood the next morning. 

He can tell that John is too; that playfulness between them has returned and they end up showering together. They grope each other beneath the wet spray, kissing lazily before John gets on his knees and blows Joe up against the tiles. 

They go downstairs with giddy smiles on their faces, and Jack seems suspicious of his parents’ good mood at breakfast.

“It’s not Saturday,” Jack says with a frown when John plants a bowl of Cocoa Pops in front of him. “I can have Cocoa Pops?” 

“Just as a treat today,” John says as he hands Joe a cup of coffee. “Because you’ve been a good boy and you tidied your room yesterday.”

Jack smiles and scoops up a spoonful of cereal clumsily, but he frowns when he sees John give Joe a kiss on the lips which lasts a second or two longer than their usual kisses in front of their child. 

“Get used to it, kiddo,” Joe laughs. “Daddy and I are gonna be doing that a lot more around here.”

Joe follows John over to the stove, and gently wraps an arm around the older man from behind to slip a hand beneath his sweater. He strokes John’s soft stomach and kisses just below his ear. 

“Can’t stop thinking about you being pregnant now,” Joe whispers, his voice low. “If I _could_ get you pregnant, I’d nail you over every surface-“

“_Joe_,” John hisses, nodding over at their son who is thankfully distracted by his cereal. 

“Yeah yeah. Listen, on that subject, I was thinking that if this month’s test comes back negative, maybe we should book a doctor’s appointment. Just to make sure everything’s okay.”

John nods. “Sounds sensible. But who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky this time.”

“Yeah,” Joe says with a slightly forced smile. “Maybe.”

*****

They book a doctor’s appointment two weeks later. 

Gwil and Ben come over to look after Jack, although Joe convinces John to tell a tiny white lie about the real reason behind their visit to the GP. 

“Sorry to hear your back is giving you trouble, John,” Ben says sympathetically as he picks Jack up for a cuddle. “Have you been in a lot of pain?”

“It comes and goes,” John says, glancing at Joe. 

Joe feels terrible for lying to his friends. It’s not that he’s _ashamed_ of seeing a doctor about possible fertility issues; in fact he’d love to be able to talk to Gwil and Ben about this. He always finds it easy to confide in them when he needs to talk to someone outside his family, and they always give good advice. But he doesn’t want to worry them when they’re trying for their own baby, especially not when Ben is feeling so fragile. 

He watches Ben settle on the sofa with Jack, who has one of his storybooks open in one hand as he clumsily attempts to crawl into Ben’s lap. Joe takes Gwil to the kitchen to show him where Jack’s snacks are kept in the fridge. 

“Carrot sticks _only_ before lunch,” Joe says firmly. “No matter what he tells you, he’s not allowed cookies today. Last time you gave him cookies he was bouncing off the walls all night. And you know where the tea and coffee is so help yourselves.”

Gwil nods before raising an eyebrow at Joe. “So now we’re alone, are you gonna tell me the _real_ reason you guys are going to the doctors today?”

Joe freezes. “What?”

“You said John injured his back picking up Jack. C’mon, mate, we both know that’s not true. Why can’t you just admit that John’s clearly sustained a sex injury?” Gwil’s expression is playful as he gives his friend a gentle nudge.

Joe laughs, relaxing. “A _sex_ _injury_?”

“Yeah.” Gwil grins. “He can’t keep up with you in bed, right? You’re too demanding and he’s over-shagged-“

“_Over-shagged_? Is that even a word?”

“It’s a concept. You know I rarely comment on John’s age, but I’m just saying that maybe he needs to take it a bit easier. He’s not as young as you.”

“Gotcha. Thank you for that incredibly _useful_ insight.” Joe grins and then lowers his voice a little. “How’s Ben doing?”

Gwil’s smile falters a little. “Better. We’ve actually not been trying this month- the doctor told us that Ben shouldn’t have sex for a few weeks, and I think it’s been good for him to have a break from it. I’ve got some time off coming up so I’m thinking of taking him away somewhere for a long weekend so he can have a proper break.”

“That sounds nice,” Joe says softly. “You both deserve a vacation.”

“Yeah. We’ve both been working so hard these last few months on top of everything else that’s been going on. Speaking of work, have you spoken to Rami lately?”

The mention of Rami makes Joe feel a little guilty; he hasn’t spoken to his friend in a while, despite them constantly agreeing that they need to meet up. 

“No. I keep meaning to call him, but he’s been pretty busy with filming and the time difference has made it difficult.”

“Try and talk to him when you can,” Gwil says with a smile. “Someone from 20th Century Fox called him and wanted to talk to him about a possible BoRhap sequel. He’s only interested though if we can all do it.”

Joe frowns. “A BoRhap sequel? I thought the studio canned that idea? John hasn’t been contacted about it.”

“Neither has Brian. I sent him a text the other day and he knew nothing about it. From what Rami was saying it sounds like they’re still in the very early stages of development- they’ve got someone who’s working on a script and they’ll show Queen the first draft when it’s ready. They probably don’t want to go any further with it though unless they know we’re all in.”

Joe bites his lip. A BoRhap sequel would be amazing; he’d love to work with his friends again and return to the best job he ever had. It would certainly kick-start his career again. And with Rami’s hectic schedule it would probably mean it would be at least a year or so before filming could start, which would be perfect timing if Joe can have his baby by then-

He comes back down to Earth when he remembers he’s got bigger things to worryabout right now.

“I’ll call Rami,” Joe says with a small smile.

They return to the living room where John and Ben are sat chatting quietly, with Jack still slumped on Ben’s lap as he munches on some grapes.

“We’d better get going, honey,” Joe says to John, before leaning down to kiss Jack’s hair. “Be good, baby. We’ll be home soon.”

Usually Jack gets very quiet and tearful when John and Joe leave him, either at home with a babysitter or at playgroup, but today he looks completely relaxed in Ben’s lap. Joe has no doubt that it’s Ben’s presence specifically that has him so calm.

“Make sure you remind him who’s boss,” Joe chuckles as he gives Ben a one-armed hug. 

“Oh, I think he already knows,” Ben grins as Jack offers him his favourite teddy bear. 

*****

“Well, the good news is you’re perfectly healthy, Joe.”

Dr Seabridge gives Joe an encouraging smile from between his legs. 

Joe smiles back, feeling very vulnerable in a flimsy hospital gown with his legs in stirrups. John squeezes his hand reassuringly. 

“Why don’t you get dressed, Joe, and then you can both come and have a seat and we can have a chat.”

“That sounds ominous,” Joe whispers as Dr Seabridge pulls the curtain around them to give them some privacy. He can already feel the anxiety building in his chest. 

“I’m sure it’s all fine, love. He just said you’re perfectly healthy.” John can’t hide the concern in his voice though.

“He said the _good news_ is I’m perfectly healthy.” Joe lets John help him off the bed before slipping off the gown and grabbing some tissue to wipe away the medical lube. “That means there must be _bad news_, right?”

John doesn’t say anything as he hands Joe his clothes. 

By the time they take a seat at the doctor’s desk they’re both on edge, and Joe has to hold John’s hand to keep himself from biting his nails. 

“So what’s the bad news, doc?” Joe blurts out jokingly, but he can hear the nervousness in his own voice. 

“Like I said, you’re perfectly healthy,” Dr Seabridge repeats. “We could run some more detailed tests, but I think it’s still fairly early days. Sometimes these things take time. How long have you been trying?”

Joe pauses as he does a quick calculation in his head. “About six months.”

“And how often do you have unprotected sex?”

“About three or four times a week.”

“That’s good.” Dr Seabridge nods. “Keep that routine going. Sometimes I find there’s nothing wrong at all with some couples- they’re both very healthy, but they struggle a bit more than others. Sometimes nature decides it’s not meant to be.”

John frowns at that. “Not meant to be?”

There’s a heavy pause.

The doctor nods. “For some couples, yes. Look, you can certainly keep trying. But...forgive me. Joe, you’re 38. Pregnancy is certainly still possible for you but it will be more difficult to conceive now than when you fell pregnant three years ago. And John, you’re nearly 71. You both already have a child together, and it’s probably not my place to say this, but maybe this is nature’s way of saying it’s _not meant to be.”_

Joe feels as though he’s been punched in the stomach. _Not meant to be_. He opens his mouth to say something, but no sound comes out. 

John squeezes Joe’s hand and frowns at the doctor. “You’re right. It _isn’t_ your place to say that.”

Dr Seabridge sighs. “Look, I’m sorry. But you must realise that even if you _do_ conceive, this will be a child who will grow up without one of their fathers-“

“That’s enough,” John interrupts, clearly sensing Joe’s distress. “That’s quite enough. Thanks for your time.”

John guides Joe from the examination room, through the corridors of the surgery and back out to the car. Joe is barely in the passenger seat before he’s sobbing in John’s arms- crying for the baby they may never have.

Crying for the baby that maybe they shouldn’t even be trying for. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to Brian and Roger gives Joe an idea...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay with this chapter and thanks for your patience! As always your love and support is much appreciated- hope you enjoy it <3

Joe spends the following week feeling like shit.

He mopes around in a constant sulk, barely speaking to his husband and barely having the energy to play with his son. Hehasn’t felt this hopeless since his dad died, and John can clearly sense that their visit to the doctor has affected Joe on a scale that neither of them were expecting. He doesn’t tiptoe around Joe, but he does put some extra thoughtful touches into their daily routine- making sure Joe’s coffee is waiting for him in the mornings, offering to dress Jack and put him to bed most days, and picking Joe’s favourite TV shows for them to watch in the evenings.

Joe _knows_ he should focus on what he already has- he’s already been blessed with a wonderful son, and the guilt overwhelms him when he thinks of Gwil and Ben. He pictures Gwil’s face when he’d told Joe that Ben had miscarried, tired and defeated and desperately trying to hide the pain. Joe hates himself for feeling like this when he knows that what he wants must feel even more unobtainable for his best friends. 

Jack appears to sense that something isn’t right with Joe, but instead of throwing a tantrum for not getting enough attention, he seems to be throwing all his energy into being as well-behaved as possible. Joe isn’t sure if John has had a quiet word with Jack to ask him to be particularly good, but it makes his heart flutter when he sees his son dutifully tidying up his toys and eating his dinner as carefully as possible to avoid making a mess. 

“You’re being so good, honey,” Joe praises tiredly one night when Jack clambers onto the sofa to sit next to him. 

“You been sad, Dada,” Jack says observantly, cuddling up to Joe and blinking up at him with soft grey eyes that look so much like his father’s. “Just want to make you feel better.”

His toothy smile is so genuine and he looks so adorable in his tiny dinosaur pyjamas that Joe can’t help but think that even if he isn’t able to fall pregnant again, he’s still the luckiest man in the world. 

“You always make me feel better, baby,” Joe says with a warm smile, wrapping one arm around his son while attempting to tickle his stomach with the other. 

Jack squirms in his arms and giggles, and a mock-fight ensues. The sound of Jack’s delighted laughter is enough to lift Joe’s spirits considerably and remind him just how blessed he is. He’s just in the middle of lifting up Jack’s pyjama top to blow raspberries on his tummy, when John walks in with a fond smile on his face. 

The older man watches them quietly for a moment, clearly relieved that Joe has perked up, and the expression on his face indicates he’s having similar thoughts to Joe- reminding himself just how lucky they are as a family. After a few minutes of observing silently, he finally intervenes.

“Time for bed, Tiny Trouble,” John says softly, leaning down to kiss Jack’s hair before winking at Joe. “It’s probably nearly your bed time too, Trouble.”

“Yeah,” Joe laughs, scooping up Jack in his arms. “I got this tonight.”

“You sure?” John strokes Joe’s cheek.

“I’m sure,” Joe says firmly, cuddling his son tighter and giving his husband a grateful smile. “Thanks.”

As he carries Jack up the stairs, Joe comes to the realisation that he’s been spending so much time worrying about getting pregnant again that he hasn’t been spending nearly enough time enjoying the wonderful family he already has. 

Joe tells himself that’s going to change from now on as he kisses Jack goodnight and watches him cuddle up to his giant stuffed dinosaur.

*****

Over the next few days, Joe spends as much time as possible with John and Jack.

They’re a close family anyway and usually make regular trips to the park together or to visit friends and family, but Joe tries to cram in so much activity with them that John seems a little startled by the younger man’s sudden change in mood. When questioned about it though, Joe just shrugs and tells his husband he wants to enjoy what he has. John seems to understand that, and it does seem to work. Joe doesn’t even really think about the whole trying for a baby thing until they’re visiting Brian and Roger one evening. 

Jack had been practically bouncing off the walls when he’d been told they were going to Uncle Brian’s and Uncle Roger’s for dinner; after Gwil and Ben, they were probably his favourite uncles. They haven’t seen Brian and Roger in ages; the two of them had been spending some time with their daughter who had recently given birth and been unwell, and they’ve only just returned from a trip to Los Angeles. 

Brian and Roger are always very good with Jack; they have enough grandchildren to keep them abreast of what toys and TV shows are favourites among young boys. Not to mention Brian and Roger have a huge house with a gigantic garden for Jack to run around and play in, and a room filled with their grandchildren’s toys which they’ve told Jack he’s welcome to play with any time. 

This evening Jack has chosen to play with the large dollhouse that Brian and Roger’s granddaughter had received for her fifth birthday. It’s beautiful with incredibly intricate details- patterned wallpaper and little china plates for the dolls inside. It reminds Joe of the dollhouse his sister had while growing up, and Jack seems fascinated by it, having never had one himself. 

Joe watches fondly as Roger eases himself onto the floor, before helping Jack arrange the dolls around the tiny dinner table. Jack settles himself in Roger’s lap as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, and Joe melts a little as he watches them play together. He snaps a photo of the two of them before uploading it to Instagram. 

By the time they sit down to eat, Jack is exhausted from playing and has fallen asleep on the sofa. Joe hesitates over whether to wake him to give him something to eat, but John reassures him that he’ll be fine and they should let him rest. 

“He’s getting big,” Brian comments as he passes the potatoes round the table, nodding at where Jack is dozing in the other room. “I know we haven’t seen him in a while, but I could swear he’s doubled in size since the last time you were here.”

“He eats a lot,” Joe laughs. “I think that’s why he’s growing so fast.”

The conversation flows easily as they talk about how well Jack is getting on at playgroup and how he’s looking forward to starting nursery next year. John provides an update on Jack’s siblings and their families, and Brian and Roger talk about their own children and grandchildren. 

The way Brian and Roger interact with each other never fails to make Joe smile. It’s clear to anyone that they’re a couple who’ve been married for many decades and know each other inside and out, and Joe loves listening to the easy banter between them and the playful bickering. He sees these men as his role models when it comes to marriage, although when Joe had commented on that to John, his husband had begged him not to mention it to Brian and Roger as they’d never hear the end of it. 

The conversation then turns to work, and once again Joe can’t help but feel embarrassed when Roger asks him if he has any auditions lined up. 

“Not at the moment,” Joe says with a weak smile. “I haven’t actively been looking for work for a while because I wanted to be around for Jack, but I’ve asked my agent to keep a lookout for anything that might be suitable. Ideally something that’s London-based so I don’t have to be away from home.”

He feels John place a reassuring hand on his thigh beneath the table. 

“Has anyone spoken to you about this potential BoRhap sequel?” Brian asks.

“Gwil mentioned it to me,” Joe replies. “He’d heard something from Rami, but apart from that it seems kinda mysterious and secretive.”

“BoRhap sequel?” John frowns, glancing at Joe. “Nobody’s spoken to _me_ about it.”

Joe feels a little guilty for not mentioning it to his husband, but he’s had other things on his mind since that conversation with Gwil. 

“What would this sequel be about?” John asks Brian.

“I’ve only had a brief conversation with the studio, but they’re thinking it would be set post Live Aid, probably up until Freddie’s death.”

John freezes at that, suddenly looking as though someone has just slapped him round the face, and now it’s Joe’s turn to squeeze his husband’s thigh reassuringly under the table.

“It wouldn’t happen without your agreement, John,” Brian says firmly. “Just like everything Queen has done since your retirement.”

John nods, and pushes his food around his plate with his fork.

Joe understands that John must feel torn about this. One of the reasons Joe hadn’t mentioned it to his husband was he knew it would probably be something the older man would at best tentatively support, without feeling fully comfortable about the content of the film. But while John may not be completely happy about the idea of another film about Queen, Joe knows he must want to support any opportunity of work for his husband. 

They eat in silence for a few minutes, before Roger changes the subject.

“So.” Roger waggles his fork in Joe’s direction. “I hear you’re trying for another kid?”

Joe freezes with his fork halfway to his mouth.

“_Roger_,” John hisses, “I told you that in confidence. That’s _private_-“

“Brian already knows.” Roger waves his fork dismissively in Brian’s direction. “He’s my husband; I tell him everything. If you tell me something, I assume you’re happy for Brian to know too unless told otherwise. Just like I’m sure you share everything with Joe.”

“I think what Roger is _trying_ to say,” Brian interrupts, clearly sensing John and Joe’s discomfort, “is that we think it’s fantastic and we support you all the way.”

“Thanks,” Joe says, glancing at John. “It might not happen though. We’ve been trying for a while.”

It’s the first time he’s thought about it in a few days, and the horrible glumness he’d felt following his doctor’s appointment suddenly comes rushing back to him. 

“The first one is always an accident; the second one takes a little while to conceive,” Roger says confidently. “That’s what happened to us.”

“Jack was a _surprise_, not an accident,” John corrects. 

“My point is- the way you’re going about conceiving is very different to the first time round. The first time you weren’t _trying_, right? It just _happened_ from all your amazing passionate sex-“

“Roger,” Brian chides. “Is this really appropriate at dinner? I’m sure poor Joe doesn’t want you discussing his sex life-“

“I’m just trying to help, dear. I’m giving our favourite couple some pearls of wisdom.” Roger kisses his husband’s jaw placatingly. “Anyway, as I was saying- the first time you weren’t trying, so the sex was pretty natural. This time round, it’s planned. So it’s more forced, right? I bet you’re doing the same old stuff over and over again and hoping for different results. The definition of insanity, is it not?”

“_You’re_ the definition of insanity,” John murmurs, looking deeply embarrassed. 

Joe can feel his own face burning, and while he knows Roger is only trying to help and has their best interests at heart, he really does wish the older man would shut up. 

“I know it sounds like I’m talking rubbish,” Roger chuckles. “And I probably am. But if the same old stuff isn’t working for you, it can’t hurt to try something different. Oh!” Roger’s eyes widen as a thought comes to him. “I’ve got it! Hear me out on this one, boys. Why don’t you try making a sex tape?”

Joe chokes on the piece of lamb in his mouth, and John has to thump him on the back a couple of times. Roger seems deadly serious though, his eyes sparkling with pride as if he’s just discovered the cure for some terminal disease. 

“It’ll be hot,” Roger promises, seemingly oblivious to or deliberately choosing to ignore the discomfort in the room. “And it’ll be fun. It worked for me and Brian.”

“_Roger._” Brian gives his husband a warning look, and now it seems that everyone in the room apart from Roger is sinking into their chair in embarrassment. 

“I really don’t think that filming ourselves having sex is going to make any difference,” John frowns. “Besides, what if it got leaked? What if it fell into the wrong hands?”

Roger grins. “It might not make any difference _physically_, but mentally it will up your baby-making game. Trust me on this. And it won’t _fall into the wrong hands_ if you make a private video. As much as I’m sure there are plenty of people who’d love to watch a 70 year old bang his younger hotter husband, no one will be able to get hold of it if you just film it, watch it, and delete it. You can just film this stuff on mobile phones these days which is great- when Bri and I did this, we had to use a bloody camcorder and make a physical VHS tape.”

“Which you then gave to a bloke who was renovating our kitchen,” Brian murmurs. 

“I thought it was a copy of one of our music videos!”

John sighs. “I don’t know why I’m even entertaining the idea of this. Thanks for your advice, Rog, but Joe and I are perfectly fine with our baby-making approach as it is. Now can we please talk about something else?”

Roger finally seems to get the message that this is not something John wants to discuss any further, and he looks a little sheepish as he focuses on the food on his plate. Thankfully Brian starts telling John about the next Queen tour that’s being planned, but Joe is only half-listening as John confirms he doesn’t want to be involved. 

Roger’s suggestion won’t leave Joe’s head, and he spends the rest of the evening thinking about it and wondering if maybe Roger has a point. The idea grows on him; regardless of whether they’re trying to make a baby or not, it actually does sound fun. The sex they’d had when John had last bottomed had been the best sex they’d had for a while because it was something _different_. It had been _exciting_. 

_This_ has the potential to be exciting too, but Joe is already aware of his husband’s doubts, and he knows John is fiercely protective of his and his family’s privacy.

But then again, this is also a man who swore he’d never play with Queen again after he retired, and yet performed at the Oscars in front of millions three years ago.

And Joe can be _very_ persuasive. 

*****

The car journey home is quiet.

Jack falls asleep the minute they put him in his car seat, his gentle breathing acting as comforting background noise as they begin the drive home. Joe fiddles with the radio, keeping it at a quiet volume so as not to disturb their son, although Jack is rarely bothered by background noise. Roger’s suggestion from earlier is still playing on Joe’s mind, and now it’s all he can think about.

Joe had attempted to make a sex tape once before with an ex-boyfriend, but they’d ended up laughing so much that they’d given up halfway through. The more he thinks about it the more he realises this is something he’d really like to try with John. At best it could genuinely enhance their sex life and help them with their attempts to conceive, and at worst it could just be a bit of fun that they’re too embarrassed to go through with. 

“I’m not going to do it by the way,” John says, breaking the silence, and for a moment Joe thinks his husband has read his mind.

“The tour, I mean,” John adds, seeing the confused look on Joe’s face. 

Joe feels relief wash through him; his fantasy isn’t dead yet. 

“I didn’t think you’d want to do it,” Joe says gently. “But you know I’d support you if you did.”

John nods and smiles gratefully, removing his hand from the steering wheel briefly to squeeze Joe’s knee. 

“I know you would, love. When I told Brian that I couldn’t face leaving you and Jack for so long, he even suggested that I play just one or two shows as a guest performer. But I really don’t think I’m up to it. Playing at the Oscars was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and without Freddie-“

John cuts off, his eyes wet as he swallows.

Joe reaches over to squeeze the older man’s thigh. “I know, honey. I understand.”

A few moments of silence pass, and then Joe changes the subject by commenting on how cute Roger and Jack were playing with the dollhouse together, and the atmosphere shifts to something more positive as they discuss what kind of dollhouse they might buy Jack for Christmas. 

With John in a good mood, Joe decides to seize his chance. He reckons there’s no point beating around the bush. 

“So.” Joe tries to sound casual as he drums his fingers against his thigh, glancing in the rear view mirror to double check that Jack is still asleep. “What do we think about Roger’s sex tape theory?”

John pauses a moment, as if he’s forgotten what they talked about earlier, but then realisation dawns on his face. “Oh...well. You know Roger’s theories. They’re never exactly based on science, are they?”

“No.” Joe chuckles quietly. “I agree that it would probably have little to no impact on a couple’s ability to conceive a child. But still...it sounded kinda fun, don’t you think?”

John grips the steering tighter, his expression unreadable and his tone neutral. “What, you want to try it?”

Joe shrugs. “I dunno. Could be hot. The idea of watching ourselves in action.”

There’s a short pause, and Joe can see a mixture of doubt and fear and longing on his husband’s face. 

John swallows. “I don’t know if I’d be much to look at on film.”

His tone is hesitant- it’s not outright rejection, but it’s not agreement either. 

“Honey, it would be my pleasure to watch you. Wouldn’t you wanna watch me?” Joe waggles his eyebrows.

John bites his lip. “You really want to try this, don’t you?” 

Joe smiles softly. “I think it could be really fun. We could just try it. And if you feel uncomfortable at any point we can just stop.”

John takes a deep breath. “I’m not saying no...and I know it’s silly, but I’m just paranoid about something going wrong and us accidentally sending it to everyone we know.”

“That’s a valid concern,” Joe chuckles. “We could always delete it immediately after we’ve watched it. Honestly though, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, so just say the word if it’s a total turn-off.”

John keeps his eyes on the road, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel thoughtfully. “I’ll think about it.”

*****

“Are you sure that’s the best angle?” John frowns from his place on the bed, fiddling with the frayed end of one of the pillowcases as he watches Joe set up his phone. 

Joe curses as the phone slips from its position on the chest of drawers opposite their bed, but he gives a satisfied nod when he manages to rearrange it how he wants. 

“It’s good,” Joe says. “We can get everything in at this angle.” He takes a step back to settle himself on the bed next to John, just to check that they both fit in the frame. 

He can sense John’s nervousness as soon as the older man’s eyes fix on the image of the two of them naked on the phone screen. 

“Hey,” Joe says softly as he cups John’s face. “You can still say no to this.”

The nervousness is replaced by determination, and John takes a deep breath before kissing Joe and stroking his bare hip.

“I want to try this.” The older man swallows. “I’m just nervous, but I’m sure I’ll be fine once we get going.” He glances at the phone again. “So how are we going to do this? Do I need to look at the camera?”

“Just pretend the camera isn’t there,” Joe grins. “Pretend it’s just us having regular sex.”

“Okay,” John laughs, and he does seem a little more relaxed now.

“Great.” Joe pecks his husband on the lips. “So if you’re ready, shall we begin?”

John nods with a shy smile, and Joe darts out of bed to set the camera to start filming. He gives John one last reassuring smile, checking that the older man is ready, before tapping the big red circle on the screen. 

The timer starts running at the top of the screen, and Joe grins into the camera. 

“Welcome to John and Joe’s sex tape,” Joe says theatrically, waggling his eyebrows. “Take one.”

He hears John laughing as he hurries back to the bed, and he looks at his husband for a moment before their lips collide. John still feels a little stiff, a little tense, so Joe takes the older man’s cock in his hand and strokes gently as he deepens the kiss. John seems to relax a little in response to that, melting in Joe’s arms as the younger man jerks him off. 

Joe gently pushes John down onto the bed, leaving a trail of kisses behind on his chest as he works his way down to his husband’s cock. He mouths at John’s erection teasingly, smiling when he hears the older man’s breathless moans, before taking John’s dick into his mouth. 

John seems to have forgotten the presence of the camera as he grips Joe’s hair and moans his name. Joe really plays it up- sucking loudly and making as many obscene noises as he can both in an attempt to turn John on and to make things more interesting for the camera. 

Joe glances up at John through his lashes, and he can’t help but think that his husband is beautiful. Although he’s very good at hiding it, John is terribly self-conscious about his body. He’s certainly not as slim or toned as he once was, but Joe still thinks he’s gorgeous. John’s age has given him some softness and curves which Joe adores, and despite the fact that Joe used to jerk off to pictures of John from the 80s, he honestly thinks that John is even more sexy now, even with his grey thinning hair and wrinkles around his eyes and love handles.

Joe bobs his head up and down, running his tongue over the head as John gasps. He attempts to make his expression as pornographic as possible so that John has something incredibly sexy to watch back later, but he decides it just feels too unnatural and instead opts to just relax his face. He does let out a louder than usual moan though, as if John’s cock is the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted. 

“Joe,” John gasps with a hand to Joe’s shoulder. “Let me do you.”

At first Joe isn’t sure if _let me do you_ refers to actually _doing_ Joe, or simply returning the favour of a blowjob, but then John is pushing Joe onto his back and lowering his head to the younger man’s cock. 

Joe sighs happily as wet warmth engulfs his erection, and he shoots a sensual smirk at the camera. John’s tongue rubs up the underside of his erection, sending a jolt to Joe’s heart. It is odd having a camera on them- it’s as if there’s someone else watching them, but the atmosphere between them is _electric_, because there’s an unspoken understanding that there’s something very different about what they’re doing here tonight.

Joe can feel a wet finger circling his entrance, and then John is opening him up slowly with the digit, teasing him while trying to give him as much pleasure as possible. Joe does _love_ being fingered. 

“Do you like that?” John murmurs huskily, and Joe isn’t sure if that huskiness is being put on for the camera or being put on for him.

“Yeah,” Joe says throatily. “Love it. It’s so good, John.”

When Joe finally begs John to fuck him, again played up a little for the camera, he spreads his legs wide and pulls his husband close, and thinks to himself that he really must thank Roger later. The idea of putting on a show is so _sexy_, even though they’ll be the only ones to see it, and the electricity in the air crackles as John sinks his cock inside Joe. 

John keeps one hand on Joe’s left hip and the other on the pillow by Joe’s face as he fucks the younger man gently, before building more momentum. Soon Joe is gasping and writhing with pleasure, moaning John’s name with every thrust to encourage his husband. He’s glad that the camera is capturing every soft moan, every breathless gasp, every passionate cry of his name, because this is something he’ll want to remember. When Joe orgasms, he knows that every detail of his blissed out expression has been captured for him and John to replay. 

John collapses on top of him after he spills inside Joe, and they lay there for a moment, sweaty and exhausted. The sex had definitely been on a par with the sex they’d had recently where John had bottomed. 

“Wow,” Joe giggles breathlessly. “Thank you, Mr Deacon.”

“Thank _you_, Mr Deacon,” John retorts playfully. 

Before they make themselves comfortable, Joe climbs out of bed to stop the camera recording so that they can clean themselves up and dress. When Joe climbs back into bed in his shorts and t-shirt, John eyes the phone in his hand warily as Joe checks how long the recording is. 

“You okay?” Joe asks gently, squeezing John’s bicep. “How was that for you?”

John smiles shyly. “I’m good. That was really nice. Quite exciting, actually.” He glances nervously at the phone again. “I’m not sure I want to watch it though,” John says half-jokingly as he pulls Joe into his arms. 

“We don’t have to watch it,” Joe says softly. “We could just delete it now.”

The truth is Joe really doesn’t need to watch it; the presence of the camera has achieved its purpose. It rekindled their intimacy and passion in the same way that John bottoming again did, so watching themselves back is really only a bonus- the cherry on top. And if John isn’t at all comfortable with it then Joe would delete the video right now. 

They don’t get the chance to watch it or talk about it further though as there’s a tiny knock on the door.

“Dada,” Jack’s muffled voice calls softly. 

“Great,” Joe sighs, putting his phone on the nightstand. “We were so loud we woke him up.”

“Speak for yourself,” John chuckles.

Joe sticks his tongue out before heading to open the door and gather Jack into his arms. He takes their son back to his room and spends the next forty minutes trying to get Jack back to sleep with some of his favourite storybooks. Joe is so tired himself that it’s a real effort to keep his eyes open as he flicks through a Peppa Pig book, and he’s grateful when Jack finally nods off in his lap. 

When he returns to his and John’s bedroom, John is already snoring softly, buried among the pillows, so Joe chooses to silently curl up next to him instead. 

Joe drifts off to sleep to the sound of his husband’s heartbeat, with the phone and the video on it lying forgotten on the nightstand. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe starts to feel a bit unwell...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apols again for the slightly late chapter- got a bit carried away! Hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> As always, let me know what you think or feel free to ask any questions!

The next few weeks are so busy that Joe doesn’t really have time to think much about sex or baby-making. 

He’s grateful for the distraction, if he’s honest. The combined stress of trying to conceive and not working at the moment have been making him feel restless, so he counts himself lucky that he has a hyperactive son to preoccupy him with other things. Everyday, _domestic_ things which Joe has come to love and cherish because of exactly how _ordinary_ they are. 

Helping Jack prepare for the short play he’s starring in at playgroup has been keeping Joe busy, particularly as all the parents are invited to watch and Joe wants his son’s acting debut to go as well as possible. He’s very aware of some of the opinions of the other parents about his and John’s relationship; they may smile at Joe when he comes to pick Jack up in the afternoons, but Jack has repeated some of the comments he’s heard from other kids which Joe is pretty sure have probably originated from their parents. When Joe had asked Jack what he’d said to the other kids in response, his son had proudly replied that he’d told them his Daddy and Dada were the best Daddy and Dada in the world. 

Joe had just kissed his son’s hair as he blinked back tears.

He’s therefore very determined that Jack has an experience to remember for his first time onstage (and a little part of him hopes the other parents are insanely jealous of how talented his son is). He wants Jack to feel the same excitement that Joe had felt the first time he’d stepped onstage as a boy, and he hopes it might even turn into a passion which they can share together. 

And since Jack has been cast as a tree, Joe is having to be _very_ creative about his son’s costume. 

“That’s no good,” Joe murmurs as he sticks a green piece of cardboard around his son’s head which he’d attempted to cut into the shape of leaves. “You look like a piece of broccoli.”

Jack giggles at that, picking at the sides of the brown sack that Joe had stuck over him to look like a tree trunk.

“I think you look like a tree,” John says with a smile as he peers over his newspaper from his seat on the sofa and winks at his son, before glancing at his husband. “I don’t see the problem- he looks great. I thought this was your area of expertise anyway? The theatre?”

“I’m an actor.” Joe adjusts the cardboard crown which is slowly sliding down Jack’s forehead to cover his eyes. “Not a costume designer.”

Of course, it’s been a long time since Joe has actually acted in anything, but he figures that until he gets another job he can live vicariously through Jack by helping him with his lines and making sure he looks amazing.

“You’re going to be just like Dada, aren’t you?” John chuckles at his beaming son. “Maybe one day you’ll be on telly.”

“Yeah!” Jack says excitedly. “Like Dada in Jer-sic Park!”

“Uh-huh.” Joe fiddles with some safety pins to keep the oversized sack which is currently dwarfing his son in place. “Hold still, honey.” He grins up at John. “He might take after you, y’know. Miss Wallace says he might get a dual role playing the triangle because one of the kids has come down with chicken pox.”

Jack nods proudly. “I’m good with the triangle.”

“I bet you are,” John laughs. “Dada and I can’t wait to watch you.”

It takes several hours for Joe to produce a costume he’s somewhat happy with, and he momentarily wonders if it’s worth calling in a favour with Veronica. He’s seen the photos of her and John’s children in their school plays and quite frankly he thinks she should have won the Oscar for costume design decades ago. 

Instead Joe decides to focus a little less on the costume (there’s only so much you can do to make a person look like a tree, after all) and spends the next few days going over Jack’s lines with him every night. 

The kid only has two lines, but still. It’s hard to remember when you’re three. 

Jack masters his lines fairly quickly though given his age, and Joe can’t help but smile when he hears his son muttering the lines under his breath whenever he’s playing or trying to eat his dinner. Jack is so proud of his progress, in fact, that he insists on visiting Ben so that he can recite his lines for him. 

John drops the two of them at Ben and Gwil’s house one afternoon, complete with tree costume (he insists on Joe driving there under his supervision to build the younger man’s confidence, but they swap seats about halfway there after Joe nearly drives round a roundabout the wrong way). Jack gives John a tiny wave as he drives off; Veronica needs some help assembling some new cabinets and Joe had volunteered his husband’s services, so it’s just the two of them visiting. 

Gwil is working this afternoon which means that Jack gets Ben’s undivided attention- something he’s _very_ pleased about. He blushes under Joe’s encouraging smile as he stands in front of the two adults, ready for his performance. 

“I am a tree,” Jack says proudly, enunciating his words dramatically just like Joe had taught him as he sticks out his arms to resemble branches. “And I am a home for squirrels and birds!”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Joe says, reciting back the line of the other child in the scene. “Can you give me some shade from the hot sun?”

“I can give you some shade.” Jack beams and stretches his arms wider, his eyes carefully trained on Ben to watch his reaction. “Sit under my branches and my leaves will keep you cool!”

Joe gives Ben a small nod to indicate that the performance is over, and Ben bursts into exaggerated applause. 

“Bravo!” Ben cries, opening his arms wide so that Jack can give him a cuddle. “The best tree I’ve ever seen! You’re gonna knock ‘em dead.”

Jack blushes and giggles as Ben pulls him into his lap, and he looks absolutely ecstatic when Ben presses a sloppy kiss to his cheek. 

“Well done, baby,” Joe praises, and his chest feels warm at the sight of Ben and Jack cuddled up together. 

“Was I really a good tree?” Jack asks Ben shyly. 

“A super duper good tree,” Ben grins. “You’ll be the star of the play. Nice costume, by the way. Did you make this yourself?”

“Nope. Dada made it.”

Ben stifles a laugh as he looks at Joe, who raises his eyebrow indignantly at his friend.

“I did it in half an hour,” Joe lies, knowing his son has no concept of time and therefore can’t reveal how long he _actually_ spent on this costume. 

He watches Ben tickle Jack for a few minutes, and the energy must be radiating off of them because Joe’s whole body starts to feels warm, and the room seems to have become about ten degrees hotter. 

“You okay?” Ben asks gently. “You look a bit pale.”

“Yeah.” Joe wipes some sweat from his forehead. “I think I’m still just a little shook up from the roundabout incident earlier.”

They talk a little about Jack’s role in the play and some of the things he’s been learning at playgroup recently, and then when Jack settles down to watch Peppa Pig, Ben tells Joe all about his recent long weekend in the French Riviera with Gwil.

“It was nice to get away for a bit, y’know?” Ben says softly, looking painfully young in an oversized hoodie as he sips a mug of tea. “And it was super romantic. Gwil took me back to the place where he proposed and it was just like it was at the beginning. Like when we used to go on spontaneous romantic getaways after BoRhap finished, or when we used to stay in bed all day on our days off.”

Joe gently nudges one of Ben’s feet with his own. “And how have you been feeling?”

Ben shrugs. “Okay, I suppose. Still a bit rubbish. I think Gwil thought a holiday would make me all happy again and make me forget about the whole baby thing. But it’s all I think about, Joe. Every minute of the day.”

Joe lowers his voice. “I get it. I really do. Have you guys talked about...I dunno. How would you feel if Gwil were to carry it?”

Ben gives a weak smile. “We have talked about it. We tried to...and then we went to a doctor when nothing happened. And we basically got told that Gwil is unlikely to get pregnant and even if he did it would be dangerous for him because of his age, so that was the end of that.” Ben bites his lip. “But that’s okay. Gwil wasn’t bothered about which of us carries, and I’ve always wanted to.” He rests a hand on his flat stomach. 

“This is gonna happen for you guys,” Joe says gently, pulling the younger man into a hug. “I just know it.”

“Yeah,” Ben sighs, but he doesn’t sound so sure.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and then Ben pokes Joe in the chest.

“Gwil might be up for a BAFTA, you know.”

“Oh really? That’s great,” Joe grins. “I know how hard he’s worked on this project. When will he know?”

“Probably next month. And then maybe I can join Lucy in the _People Married to a BAFTA Winner_ club.” Ben winks.

“My husband has won three Brit awards, I’ll have you know. And he wrote a song which was nominated for a Grammy.”

“Oh yes,” Ben chuckles. “So begins another game of _Whose Husband is Most Talented_, aka _Whose Husband Has the Biggest Dick_.”

Joe opens his mouth to retort with a joke, but suddenly he feels a little light-headed and dizzy as his stomach churns. 

“You sure you’re alright, mate?” Ben asks, the concern clear in his eyes. 

“Yeah.” Joe wipes some sweat away from his face. “Sorry, man. I’m just feeling a bit weird. I think I’m just tired because our neighbour’s dog was barking through the night last night. I’m gonna go use the bathroom...can you keep an eye on Jack for a second?”

Ben nods, the worry more prominent on his face now as Joe sprints to the downstairs bathroom. 

He makes it just in time to hastily lift the toilet lid before he’s puking his guts up, his chest heaving as he expels the contents of his stomach. He feels dizzy and disoriented and he wishes he were in his own home. He coughs, his throat dry like sandpaper. Luckily it seems he’s in the clear after waiting a few minutes, sitting on the floor waiting for the nausea to pass. He still feels dizzy though, as if the room is spinning, and it takes some effort to heave himself up.

Joe splashes some water on his face and takes a few deep breaths before heading back to the living room, where Ben is sat waiting for him with an even more concerned look on his face. Jack is luckily still distracted by Peppa Pig. 

“I’m calling John,” Ben says immediately, guiding Joe onto the sofa and handing him a glass of water.

“Okay,” Joe says hoarsely, his stomach still churning too much to argue. 

While Ben has a quick phone conversation with John, reassuring him that everything’s fine but Joe’s just feeling a bit poorly, Joe desperately tries not to get his hopes up. He’s never been _excited_ about hurling before, and while he knows there’s still a chance it could be the fish from last night, there’s a part of him that hopes it’s something else. 

John of course looks suitably concerned when he arrives, feeling Joe’s forehead for a temperature and insisting he drinks some water. 

“Sorry I had to drag you away from Ronnie,” Joe says quietly as he watches his husband gather up Jack’s toys. 

“Don’t worry about it.” John gives the younger man a reassuring look. “She would have sent me here anyway if she knew you weren’t feeling well. I think it’s best we get you home.”

Jack is clearly not happy about having to leave Ben earlier than planned, and his tiny bottom lip quivers when John asks him to put his shoes on. Joe worries for a second that they’re about to witness one of Jack’s very rare tantrums, but Ben quickly swoops in with a cuddle and a kiss to save the day. 

“It’s okay, buddy,” Ben says softly, stroking the boy’s hair. “We’ll see each other again soon. But Dada’s not feeling very well right now, so you’re gonna have to help Daddy take him home and look after him. You can do that for me, can’t you?”

The _for me_ is a very nice touch, and although Ben never usually manipulates Jack’s crush on him to persuade the boy to do things, it’s necessary on this occasion and rather effective. Jack wipes his eyes and gives a determined nod, wrapping his tiny arms around Ben and giving a small smile when Ben kisses his cheek.

Ben really is going to be a wonderful dad.

They manage to get Jack into the car without any problems, although he’s unusually quiet on the drive home. 

“Can we stop by the pharmacy on the way?” Joe asks his husband as he rubs his queasy stomach.

“We have some paracetamol at home,” John replies. “Do you need something for your tummy?”

“I need you to get me a test.”

John pauses a moment, keeping his eyes on the road ahead. He doesn’t need to be told what kind of test.

The older man clears his throat. “Do you think that’s what it is?”

Joe shrugs. “It could be. The math adds up. There’s only one way to be sure.”

They drive to the pharmacy in silence, both of them too nervous to say anything. 

After they pull up outside the local Boots in Putney high street, John leaves Joe and Jack in the car while he goes in to buy what they need, which gives Joe a chance to check in on his son. 

“You okay, kiddo?” Joe asks gently, turning in the passenger’s seat to smile at Jack, who’s gazing glumly out the window.

“No,” the boy sighs sadly. “I miss Unca Ben.”

“Oh honey, I miss him too.” Joe reaches back between the seats to squeeze his son’s hand. 

Jack sniffs, looking at Joe with wet eyes. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course,” Joe says softly, and for a moment he feels slightly anxious. 

Jack’s gaze falls to his lap, red blooming on his cheeks. “I wish I could marry Unca Ben.”

The confession is whispered so quietly but with so much conviction that Joe almost tears up himself. It’s not even anything earth-shattering or something Joe didn’t know before, but the fact that his son is willingly sharing this with him and placing this amount of trust in him makes Joe realise that he must be doing okay as a parent. 

“Please don’t tell anyone,” Jack says quickly. “Not even Daddy.”

“I won’t,” Joe promises gently. “Don’t worry, honey. Its just between us. And it’s very normal to want to marry someone like Uncle Ben.”

“He’s married to Unca Gwil though,” Jack sighs miserably.

“Yeah, he’s married to Uncle Gwil. And he’s really happy with Uncle Gwil. You want Uncle Ben to be happy, right? Because you love him?”

Jack nods slowly.

Joe smiles. “In a few years you’ll meet someone you wanna marry even more than Uncle Ben, and they’ll probably be a similar age to you. By the time you’re grown up, Uncle Ben will be a lot older. But until then you can still give him cuddles and kisses.”

Jack doesn’t say anything in response to that, but gives a small smile. He reaches out with a tiny hand, and Joe reaches back to squeeze it. 

Joe feels an overwhelming sense of joy that Jack has felt comfortable enough to share this with him. He can remember his own first serious crush when he’d been a little bit older than Jack on the set of Jurassic Park. He remembers how he’d wanted to hang around Jeff at every opportunity, how he’d laughed at Jeff’s jokes, how he’d blushed when Jeff had praised him for doing a good job in a scene. Joe also remembers confessing his crush to his own dad, who had reassured him that his feelings were perfectly normal and one day he’d meet someone his own age who would feel the same way about him.

His dad had been right about one of those things at least.

When John returns, looking slightly wet and windswept from the rain outside, Joe shoots a wink at his son before shifting his gaze to the plastic bag in John’s hand. 

“I bought a few,” John says, turning the key in the ignition.

Joe nods, his stomach starting to churn again as John passes Jack a Freddo Frog. 

Jack smiles as he eagerly takes the chocolate, his heartache soothed for the time being.

*****

After they’ve made sure Jack is settled with some toys in his bedroom, Joe immediately heads to the bathroom to take a test. 

It reminds him of the first time he did this, sitting on the bathroom floor in his New York apartment with John beside him, reassuring him and telling Joe the story about his pregnancy scare when he’d been younger. Even though Joe has taken countless pregnancy tests over the last few months, this one _feels_ different. This one feels like the very first test he ever took, where a part of him already knew the result before he even looked at the stick. 

The nervousness now is just as terrifying, but in a different way. The first time, Joe didn’t really know how he felt and the shock kept him from overthinking things, but now he desperately wants this test to be positive. 

John comes and joins him in the bathroom again, and they sit together and holds hands as they wait for the result. 

When the timer on Joe’s phone buzzes, he feels his stomach sink. _He can’t do this._ He can’t be disappointed again. 

“Can you look at it for me?” Joe whispers. 

“Of course,” John says gently, reaching over for the stick balancing on the edge of the sink.

Joe’s heart is pounding as the older man studies it carefully, his expression remaining neutral for a few moments. 

_He’s thinking about how to let me down gently_, Joe thinks, but then there’s a small smile on John’s face as he meets his husband’s eyes. 

The smile grows wider as he passes the stick to Joe.

“Congratulations,” John says softly. 

Joe lets out a noise that’s halfway between a laugh and a gasp. He stares at the test in his hand for only a few seconds before throwing himself into John’s arms, his blood roaring in his veins. 

“Congratulations to you too,” Joe says excitedly, kissing John’s neck. “We did it.”

Joe takes another four tests to be sure, his excitement growing as each one turns out positive. 

He’s pregnant. 

They make love right there on the bathroom floor, and even though Joe can tell he’s getting old because his back aches horribly later, he’s really too ecstatic to care. 

*****

Keeping it a secret is _hard_.

Joe is so excited that he wants to tell everyone right away, but John gently suggests that they wait until Joe is twelve weeks along. Joe knows it’s the sensible thing to do; he knows from reading various pregnancy and conception articles on his phone that the earliest part of the pregnancy is the most risky, and Joe’s age is most likely on John’s mind too. But that doesn’t make it any easier to keep the news to himself. 

When Ben texts Joe the morning after he takes the test, he’s so tempted to tell his best friend the truth. A wave of guilt washes over him as he reassures Ben that he just had an upset stomach and is feeling much better. 

The next three months seem to _crawl_ by. Joe feels a mixture of nervousness and anticipation; he’s _desperate_ to share the good news with someone, but at the same time he’s also terrified that telling someone might jinx it. He’s hyper-aware of the tiny being inside him, and over the next few weeks he ensures he’s extra careful with any strenuous activity. Whenever Jack wants to play-wrestle, Joe will try and distract him with some candy or gently usher him towards John. He tones down his work-outs, and keeps his lovemaking with John slower and softer. 

He has the twelve week mark circled in red on the calendar in the kitchen. 

As they cross off each day, Joe relaxes a little more. He’s kept his baby safe for another day. 

They visit the doctor just before they reach twelve weeks for an initial check up, and once again Joe feels awful for telling Gwil and Ben that they have a follow up appointment for John’s back when they come to babysit Jack. He hates lying to his friends, but he knows it won’t be much longer until he can finally tell them the truth. 

The appointment goes well; they have a different doctor this time, who thankfully refrains from commenting on John and Joe’s age gap. Its too early to really see anything on the ultrasound, but it’s reassuring at least to know that everything is as it should be. In a way that makes Joe even more excited and the secret becomes even more difficult to keep.

Each morning he lifts up his t-shirt and stands sideways to look at himself in the mirror, stroking a hand over his still-flat stomach. He pictures the tiny bundle of cells inside him, slowly growing into a tiny person. 

When Joe finally reaches that twelve week milestone, the first person he wants to tell is Jack. 

He can barely contain his excitement as he pulls his son into his lap and John sits beside him, watching the two of them fondly.

“We’ve got something to tell you, bud,” Joe says happily, bouncing Jack gently in his lap. “It’s a surprise.”

Jack claps his tiny hands excitedly. “A surprise! What is it?”

Joe smiles at John, who strokes their son’s hair gently. 

“Well we’re very excited, and we hope you will be too,” John says softly. “You’re going to be getting a little brother or sister.”

Jack’s eyes widen. “Really?” He turns to Joe. “Am I getting a brother or sister? Which one?”

Joe laughs. “It’s true, but we don’t know yet if we’ll be getting a little boy or a little girl.”

“Oh.” Jack looks thoughtful, but he has a happy smile on his face. “Well I don’t mind, so you can decide.”

John and Joe both laugh as Jack looks up at them excitedly. Joe can’t ever remember being quite this enthusiastic when his parents had told him he’d be getting a sibling, so he counts himself lucky.

“When will I get my little brother or sister?” Jack asks, frowning a little as he looks at Joe’s stomach, which isn’t noticeably any bigger yet.

“Not for a while. The baby has to grow inside Dada first.”

“Oh, okay.” Jack sounds a little disappointed at first, but then gives Joe a toothy grin as he squirms out of his lap. “I’m gonna go and do some drawings for the baby!”

They watch him sprint from the room as fast as he can, nearly tripping over his feet in the process. 

“Well that went pretty well,” Joe says.

“Thank you for my little brother or sister!” Jack shouts as he climbs the stairs.

*****

The next people Joe wants to tell are Gwil and Ben. 

Joe knows they need to tell their friends before they go anywhere near Jack. The kid has become so excited that he’s drawing pictures for the baby on a daily basis now, and there’s no way he can keep this secret from Ben. Joe is also painfully aware that this needs to be done tactfully; the last thing he wants to do is rub this in Ben’s face as a further reminder about his problems with conceiving. 

They decide to invite Gwil and Ben over for dinner, and send Jack to Veronica’s for the night. John has already informed his side of the family about Baby Deacon, so they have nothing to worry about there; Veronica had phoned Joe a couple of days ago to offer her warm congratulations, and he’s also received texts with well-wishes from all his step-children. Cameron had even stopped by to enthusiastically present Joe with some of his old toys for both Jack and the baby. 

Joe is expecting Gwil and Ben’s reactions to be a little less obviously enthusiastic, given their current situation, but they’re good friends and he knows they’ll be happy for him. No matter how much it may crush them. 

They both look tired when they arrive. 

Joe knows that Gwil has been working long hours recently, but he suspects there might be something else going on. Ben’s smile seems a little forced, and the couple are a little quieter than usual as they exchange their usual pleasantries. Joe wonders if perhaps they’ve had an argument before arriving, but he doesn’t pry. 

Luckily they both seem to brighten up as the evening goes on and once they’ve had something to eat, and Ben excitedly tells them he got a callback for an audition. Joe wants to wait until they’re in a suitably good mood before telling them. They talk about Ben’s audition and how Gwil’s doing at work and how the decorating is going. Joe finds himself putting off the moment throughout the evening though, until John eventually takes hold of his hand and squeezes. 

“There’s something we want to tell you,” Joe blurts out.

The pair look confused for a moment, but then Gwil chuckles. 

“Are you breaking up with us?” His face turns more serious though at the expression on Joe’s face. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Joe says, forcing a smile. 

“It’s good news,” John adds, squeezing Joe’s hand harder. 

Something briefly flashes across Ben’s face- an emotion that’s difficult to read, barely there, a micro expression. But Joe sees it, and he knows that Ben _knows_. 

“I’m pregnant,” Joe says quietly, and he can’t help but give a small smile. 

There’s a heavy pause. 

Gwil’s lips twitch into a smile, and then he grins at them both. “Wow. That’s fantastic news! Congratulations. I bet Jack is excited he’s gonna be a big brother.”

“He’s been bouncing off the walls ever since we told him,” John chuckles. “He keeps asking us how many days are left until the baby will be born.”

Gwil laughs; if he’s feeling anything other than happiness, he’s very good at hiding it. A truly talented actor. 

Ben’s smile is a little more forced. 

Joe doesn’t miss the way Gwil discreetly nudges his husband beneath the table to encourage him to say something. 

“Congratulations,” Ben says weakly. 

Joe can see how much effort his friend is putting into trying to look happy, but he can also see the wetness in his eyes and the sadness behind them, and it breaks his heart. He knows this isn’t Ben _not_ feeling happy for him; this is Ben feeling sad for himself. 

“I’m so happy for you both,” Ben says, his voice wobbling. 

Gwil immediately wraps an arm around the younger man, pulling him close and kissing his hair. “It’s alright, sweetheart.”

Ben sniffs, dabbing his now wet cheeks with his napkin. “I’m so sorry. This is amazing news, and I’m ruining it.”

“You’re not ruining anything,” Joe says quickly, reaching across the table to squeeze the blond’s hand. “It’s ok, Ben. I get it. I understand.”

Ben nods and wipes his eyes again. “Well, I’ve kinda ruined the moment. I’m sorry for being so selfish. I really am happy for you guys. And Jack too.”

“Can I have a hug?” Joe asks, and Ben gives a genuine smile. He’s never been able to deny a cuddle. 

He gives Ben a gentle squeeze when they embrace and the younger man gives him an affectionate kiss on the cheek. 

Ben _really_ seems to relax when John gives him a hug though. Joe has always thought that John gives magic hugs. 

“You get to be a favourite Uncle for the second time,” John says softly. 

“Oi!” Gwil interjects with a playful smile. “What about me?”

“Forever the third wheel, I’m afraid,” Ben quips, looking a little more cheerful now. 

The mood lightens as Gwil and Ben share some banter over who Jack’s favourite Uncle is and who the new favourite will be with the baby. They ask Joe how far along he is, and he shows them the ultrasound photo. 

Before they leave, Ben gives Joe another quick hug. 

“I really am happy for you,” he says quietly as Gwil and John say their goodbyes. “If you need anything, just let me know.”

“Same here,” Joe says softly. “I’m always here for you. Call me, text me, come over, whatever. Anything I can do to help.”

Ben gives him a warm smile. “Congratulations again.”

As Joe watches them drive off, he can’t help but once again feel incredibly grateful to have such amazing friends. 

*****

Roger is almost insufferable when they tell him and Brian. 

“I told you,” Roger says with a proud grin. “Didn’t I tell you?”

“Yes,” John says with a playful roll of his eyes. “We owe our child to you.”

Roger’s grin grows wider. “Perhaps you can name the baby Roger? Or Rogerina if it’s a girl?”

“What Roger means to say,” Brian cuts in, “is congratulations.”

John makes a very vague agreement that Brian and Roger can be godparents in an attempt to prevent any further hounding, but Joe knows that Roger will never let them live this down. 

*****

Joe’s mom is probably the most excited out of everyone. 

She flies in from New York a few days after Joe tells her on the phone, and is all smiles and hugs when they pick her up from the airport. 

“You’ve gained weight,” she says with sparkling eyes as she cups Joe’s face. 

“Gee, thanks mom,” Joe laughs.

“You look beautiful,” Virginia adds warmly. “Your brother and sister send their congratulations.”

It’s nice to have her around for a few days. She only gets to see Jack in person every few months, so she takes the opportunity to spend as much time with him as possible. Jack adores his grandma plus it gives John and Joe some time to themselves. 

Joe loves spending time with his mom, but it makes him miss home. Especially when he has to say goodbye to her. 

“You should all come to New York for a visit,” Virginia suggests as she strokes Jack’s cheek when they drop her back at the airport. “Before you get too big, Joe.”

“Yeah.” Joe shifts Jack on his hip. “That’d be nice.”

His heart is heavy when he waves goodbye to her, and he places his free hand on the barely noticeable curve of his stomach. 

*****

It’s a relief once their closest friends and family know, but Joe decides to refrain from announcing anything publicly until after his next appointment. Just to be on the safe side. 

His morning sickness is more severe than his first pregnancy. And it’s not only restricted to the morning- he seems to be puking morning, noon and night at the moment. He’d read that more nausea with a second pregnancy is common, but he’s starting to find himself struggling physically already at just a few months along. He isn’t sure if that’s because the second pregnancy is meant to be more physically demanding, or if it’s because he’s older now and struggling to cope. 

“It’s completely normal, trust me,” John says reassuringly as he cuddles Joe in bed one evening. “Ronnie felt a lot worse when she was pregnant with Michael.”

Normally Joe would also talk to Ben about this kind of stuff, but he doesn’t want to burden his friend and throw this pregnancy in his face any more than he has done already. He only shares information when Ben asks for it, either in person or via text. He gives Ben his space, determined not to dangle this baby in the younger man’s face and make him feel like shit. 

It gets harder though when Joe starts showing. 

The curve of his stomach starts becoming more pronounced a lot earlier in his pregnancy than it did with Jack. Whenever he sees Ben, the younger man’s eyes automatically drift to his stomach, that sadness in his eyes again. 

“Looking good, mate,” is all Ben says though, a warm smile on his face. 

The undertone of envy in Ben’s voice makes Joe feel nauseous all over again.

*****

It happens on a Thursday night.

John’s phone rings at 2:13am (Joe knows this because he glances at the alarm clock with one eye before burying his face in his pillow), and for a moment Joe wonders if it’s his mom calling and she’s forgotten that he lives in a different time zone now.

But as John fumbles around on his nightstand, Joe realises that his mom would call him on his own cell phone, even if she did it in error. Which makes him wonder who the hell would be calling at this hour. 

Something’s not right. 

Adrenaline starts to pump through him as John glances at his phone screen with a frown, before answering the call.

“Roger?”

There’s a few beats of silence, and Joe can just about hear Roger talking very fast on the other end of the phone, although he can’t distinguish his words.

“Roger,” John says firmly, sounding less groggy and more focussed as he sits up. “_Roger_, listen to me, calm down.”

Another few beats of silence, and Joe’s heart is pounding. 

“Alright,” John says gently, but there’s a tremble in his voice. “It’s alright, Rog. Listen, I’m coming. I’m coming, okay? Where are you?”

Joe sits up, squeezing John’s bicep gently when he sees the worry on his husband’s face. 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” John says as he climbs out of bed, hunting around for his clothes. “Are any of the kids with you now?”

Joe throws John a pair of jeans folded over a chair on his side of the bed. 

“Alright, well I’m leaving now,” John says reassuringly. “Hang tight, alright? See you in a bit. Bye.”

John hangs up and looks at Joe with wide eyes. “I need to go to the hospital. Stay here with Jack.”

“Why?” Joe whispers, just about brave enough to ask. “What’s happened?”

John’s face crumples. “Brian’s had a heart attack.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian is in hospital, which gives John some things to think about...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another week, another chapter!
> 
> A little shorter this week but hope you enjoy it :) Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and questions! Thank you for all the love and support as always <3

After John leaves, Joe struggles to get back to sleep. 

_Brian’s had a heart attack._

Joe can still hear Roger’s distraught voice echoing from John’s phone, and it makes him feel sick. 

Literally. 

He ends up puking in the bathroom for half an hour, choking over the toilet before slumping on the floor and wishing his husband were with him. But Joe knows that Roger needs John more than he does right now.

Joe can’t even imagine how Roger must be feeling. Brian is his everything. The man he’s loved for over fifty years. They’ve seen each other through some of the worst times of their lives, and have built their careers and family together. They’re two halves of one whole. 

And now that could all be over. 

Jack wakes up at around 4am after having had a nightmare, and to be honest Joe is glad for the company. Being alone with his own thoughts is only going to allow him to catastrophize things, so Joe suggests they go downstairs and cuddle up to watch Peppa Pig. It’s a welcome distraction, although Joe still can’t stop checking his phone for news from his husband. 

About an hour later, Joe finally gets a call from John, and he leaves his son in front of the TV to talk to his husband in the kitchen. 

“Hey,” Joe says worriedly. “How’s it going?”

John takes a deep breath on the other end of the phone. “Yeah...okay. Brian is okay. They managed to clear the blockage in his artery really quickly which is good. He needs to be monitored for a few days though in case it happens again.”

Joe doesn’t think he’s ever felt so relieved. It reminds him of the numerous phone calls he had to have with his mom when his dad was in hospital, and how he’d dread picking up the phone every time she called. He’d been half-expecting John to tell him the worst, so he can feel himself relax a little now that he knows Brian seems to be out of the danger zone. This is, after all, a man who’s been like another father to Joe and publicly defended him and his marriage to John.

“How’s Roger?” Joe asks softly. 

“He’s in shock a bit I think. He’s calmed down now but he was in tears earlier. His kids can’t get here until later in the morning so I’m going to stay with him.”

“That’s a good idea. I’m sure he’s glad you’re there.” 

“Yeah. Sorry I had to leave you this morning. Are you alright, Joe?”

“Don’t worry about it. And yeah, I’m fine. I’ve had a bit of morning sickness but feeling fine now. I’m just watching some cartoons with Jack. He had a bad dream.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be there to take care of you.”

“Seriously, don’t worry, John. I’m okay. Roger needs you. Will you call me later?”

“Of course. I’ll speak to you later, love.”

They say their goodbyes and Joe hangs up, before searching through the cupboards for a snack for Jack.

He tries to work off his nervous energy that morning by taking Jack to the park, attempting some yoga, and baking enough cookies to feed the five thousand. Jack asks where John is, and Joe tells him that John has gone to see Veronica and will be back later. He doesn’t want to say anything to his son until he has more news, and Jack seems content to work his way through the batch of cookies while watching Joe do his exercises. 

John ends up getting back home around four in the afternoon, looking utterly exhausted. 

“Hey,” Joe says softly as they exchange a quick hello kiss. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” John replies tiredly. “Brian is stable. He’s in pretty good spirits, actually. He thinks everyone’s making too much of a fuss over him. Just like the last time he nearly died.”

“That’s good.” Joe smiles warmly. “That must be a huge relief for Roger.”

“Their kids are with them now. I said I’d come back and visit tomorrow. You’re welcome to come if you’d like. Jack too- I’m sure it would cheer Roger up to see him.”

“Sure. Do Gwil and Ben know?”

“Yeah, they might come for a visit tomorrow too. I spoke to Gwil earlier as I think they were meant to have dinner with Brian and Roger tonight. We shouldn’t all turn up together though. I don’t want the press getting wind of this and trying to photograph Brian the minute he steps out of the hospital.”

Joe pulls the older man into a hug. “Let me get you something to eat. You must be hungry.”

John nods, but he doesn’t look as though he’s fully listening. “I’m just going to get some air.”

He pats Joe’s stomach gently before heading for the back door to step into the garden. Joe frowns when he notices John slip a pack of cigarettes and a lighter into his pocket from his old stash in one of the kitchen drawers. 

John had cut down on smoking when Joe had been pregnant the first time, and had quit completely when Jack had been born. He had done it voluntarily but Joe had also encouraged him to do so, and Joe had been under the impression that John never wanted to smoke again. Seeing him slip back into that habit is therefore a little worrying. Joe knows that John had often smoked when nervous or stressed, so he can’t help but feel concerned. 

He just has to hope it’s a one-off.

*****

Joe hates going to hospitals. 

They remind him of taking his dad to endless appointments and sitting in cold waiting rooms for news on if the latest treatment had worked. They make him think of his dad’s exhausted face, his mom’s tears, his siblings’ nervous glances. 

Joe shifts Jack on his hip as they sign in at reception. The smell of disinfectant is so strong that Joe can almost taste it, and he knows from experience that even being in a private ward can’t remove the unpleasantness of spending time in a hospital. 

Brian’s room is large and tidy at least, and despite the fact he’s been in hospital less than a day, there are bouquets of flowers and cards on every surface. It’s a testament to how loved he is and how devastated people would be if the worst had happened. 

Brian is sitting up in bed when they arrive, looking a little tired but otherwise cheerful as he chats happily to Gwil, who’s sat on a very uncomfortable-looking plastic chair. 

“You’re looking a bit more perky today,” John comments as he gives the older man a hug. 

“I’m feeling a lot better,” Brian says with a tired smile. 

Jack goes a bit shy when he sees Brian, burying his face in Joe’s shoulder, clearly not used to seeing Brian looking so pale and exhausted. 

“It’s okay, honey,” Joe says gently. “Show Uncle Brian your drawing.”

Jack blushes as he presents Brian with the crumpled piece of paper in his hand- a drawing of Brian and Roger together holding hands. 

“Thank you very much.” Brian admires the drawing as if it’s a work of art. “That’s absolutely lovely. Did you do that yourself?”

Jack nods as Joe gently deposits the boy onto the bed to sit with Brian. 

“Careful,” Joe warns. “Don’t move around too much, honey.”

“He’s alright,” Brian chuckles, pulling Jack in for a hug and tickling him, which seems to relax him. 

“Where’s Roger?” John asks. 

“Ben took him outside for some air.”

“I don’t think Rog got much sleep last night,” Brian says guiltily. 

“That tends to happen when your husband has a heart attack,” Gwil comments playfully.

Brian nods. “Thank goodness we managed to get to the hospital in time. I can’t bear the thought of putting Roger through all that stress and pain if I hadn’t been so lucky. I don’t think he’s really thought about what he would do in that scenario since we last updated our wills ten years ago.”

They chat for a little while about how the doctor has already prescribed Brian a new diet and exercise routine alongside his medication, and how Roger is probably going to mother him to death. Sure enough, the moment Roger returns with Ben, he’s at his husband’s side in an instant, straightening the bed sheets and handing Brian a glass of water to drink. 

“It’s a good thing you’re already a vegetarian,” Roger says as he kisses Brian’s cheek. “Otherwise I’d never let you eat meat again. Ben and I have been talking about your diet.”

“My diet’s fine,” Brian says with a roll of his eyes. “The doctor said that stress is the big thing I should keep an eye on.”

“Maybe no more touring, eh?” Roger says softly. “Maybe it’s time we threw in the towel.”

“The world won’t be the same without Queen,” Ben says with a smile. “But the world would be even worse off without Brian May.”

“Retired life’s not so bad,” Joe adds. “John will tell you.”

John is oddly quiet though as they all talk about what Brian might do to fill his time instead of touring. Joe can’t help but feel a little worried when John quietly slips out of the room, and when he excuses himself to follow his husband, his heart sinks when he finds John outside the main entrance smoking again. 

Joe doesn’t disturb the older man, and instead returns to Brian’s hospital room to catch up with Roger. When John slips back in twenty minutes later, smelling of smoke and looking glum, Joe keeps his attention on Roger.

He’s not sure what’s got into his husband, and he’s not sure he wants to know. 

*****

John is unusually quiet for the rest of the day. 

When they get home John makes them some tea before settling into his favourite armchair to read the newspaper, which isn’t exactly odd behaviour, but Joe notices that he spends twenty minutes reading the same page. 

It must be horrible seeing your best friend on death’s door. John has known Brian for fifty years, and although there was a long period where the two of them didn’t speak, Joe knows how much they love each other. He knows that losing Brian would be almost as heartbreaking for John as losing Freddie. 

“It’s amazing what modern medicine can do, huh?” Joe comments softly as he helps Jack set up his train set on the living room floor. “Roger said that Brian can go home tomorrow.”

“Mm.” John doesn’t look up from his paper. 

Joe doesn’t pry; he can sense that John just wants to be left alone, but his heart sinks when the older man quietly slips outside through the French doors. When Joe glances out the window he sees John surrounded by a cloud of smoke, twirling a cigarette nervously between his fingers. Joe quickly checks Jack is distracted with his toys before stepping outside to join his husband. 

“Honey?” Joe folds his arms over his chest, shivering a little in his thin sweater. “Everything okay?”

John blinks, rubbing his face tiredly. “Yeah. Sorry. Just got a lot on my mind.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not right now.” John offers a weak smile. “Maybe later.”

“Why don’t you come inside?” Joe nudges John gently. “I thought you’d quit smoking for good. You wanted to be a good role model for Jack, remember?”

Joe hates to play the guilt card, but he can’t have John spiral into self-destruction like he did when Freddie was ill. He wonders if he maybe needs to talk to Veronica about how she coped with John when he was like this. This is unfamiliar territory for Joe; he’s never personally known John to be like this before.

John stubs out his cigarette, and gives Joe a quick kiss on the cheek before heading back indoors. 

Joe sighs and follows his husband. John isn’t always the best at talking about his feelings, but Joe knows his husband well enough to know when something’s wrong. 

And something’s _definitely_ wrong. 

*****

The next morning, Joe wakes up to find the other side of the bed empty. 

It’s unusual for John to get up without waking Joe, unless he gets up really early. When Joe glances at the clock it’s still only 7:30am, which suggests his husband must have been up for at least an hour. 

Joe gets up and has a quick shower, before checking in on Jack. The kid is still fast asleep, so Joe decides to leave him to sleep a little while longer as it’s a Sunday. He had an exhausting day yesterday, and waking him will only make him grumpy. 

When Joe pads downstairs to switch on the kettle, he finds John sitting in the study. 

“Hey,” Joe says, taking in the sight of the piles of papers surrounding John on the desk. “You’re up early.”

“Couldn’t sleep,” John says, looking up from the piece of paper he’s scribbling over to smile tiredly at the younger man. He removes his glasses and stands to give Joe a kiss. “Thought I’d get some work done.”

“Work?” Joe squints at the papers on the desk. “Are you songwriting again?”

John does occasionally write songs and play them in private, although most of them never see the light of day and Joe and Jack are the only ones who ever hear them. The papers on the desk don’t look like music or lyrics though. 

“No,” John says. “I’m going over my will.”

Joe frowns. “Your will? Why?”

John perches on the edge of the desk and pulls Joe into his arms gently, rubbing his thumbs in circles on the younger man’s hips. He brushes his lips against Joe’s as the younger man settles between his legs. 

“All the stuff that’s happened with Brian got me thinking,” John says quietly. “It’s made me think about how a heart attack could be right around the corner for me too.”

“Shut up,” Joe says quickly. “That’s not true. The doc said Brian’s heart attack was probably brought on by stress. You’re retired. You’re out of the public spotlight.”

“It doesn’t have to be a heart attack.” John squeezes Joe’s hips. “Could be a stroke. Cancer. I could just drop down dead.”

“Stop it.” Joe’s voice is trembling now. 

Joe knows he will never grow old with his husband. He knows the strong likelihood is he will be a young widower. But it’s not something he likes to think about; he’s talked himself into overlooking it time and time again for the sake of his own sanity, otherwise he’d drive himself crazy with worry. 

“Sweetheart.” John’s voice is soft as he cups Joe’s face in his hands. “We don’t need to go over this again. I’m _old_. Every day I get closer to that potential heart attack or stroke or whatever. And I just want to make sure that when the time comes, you and Jack and the baby are taken care of.”

Joe can’t bring himself to say anything. 

“You’re not even _in_ my will at the moment, Joe. I haven’t looked at it in years which is really irresponsible of me. I’m going to see my solicitor later to discuss having it amended. I want you and Jack in there, and when the baby is born I’ll have my will amended again. Everything is in my name at the moment and I don’t want you to have to worry about money when I’m gone-“

“I have my own money, thanks,” Joe snaps, and he’s too emotional to apologise when John flinches. “You don’t need to be worrying about this, John. Your health is good and this isn’t something we need to deal with right now.”

“It’s something _I_ need to deal with, love. You getting pregnant and Brian nearly dying has made me realise how important it is to think about what would happen in a worst-case scenario. You should probably look at your will too. We need to talk about things like what would happen to Jack and the baby if something happened to both of us.”

“_Both_ of us? Jesus, John-“

“We need to think about these things, Joe. Who would take care of the kids? Gwil and Ben? One of mine and Ronnie’s kids? Or would we send them to your family in New York?”

The worst thing is that Joe _knows_ John is right. He knows this is something that responsible parents think about it, but it’s just too painful for him right now. He’s not sure if the pregnancy hormones are making this more difficult than it needs to be, but right now he just doesn’t have the emotional resilience to think about what would happen if John died. 

“You can’t keep ignoring this, Joe. You’ve been in denial for so long about this.”

“What happened to just enjoying life?” Joe croaks. “What happened to just focusing on our family and not worrying about what might happen?”

“I don’t think that’s enough any more. And I don’t think you understand why this is so important-“

“I’m not a child,” Joe snaps. “I may be thirty years younger than you, but I’m not a fucking kid. Of course I understand. I just don’t want us to waste the time we have together being all doom-and-gloom when there are more important things we should be focusing on.”

“Right.” John sighs, looking rather irritated. “Well it looks like we’re on different pages right now. I have an appointment with my solicitor at nine to go over this will, so I’m going to go to that. And then I’ll come back, and we’ll look at it together and talk about this like adults. Yes?”

Joe doesn’t say anything, but gives a sharp nod. 

“Alright then.” John gathers his papers. “See you later.”

He heads into the hallway to grab his jacket and keys, and he doesn’t kiss Joe before he leaves.

The minute the front door slams, Joe lets the tears fall.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Joe’s pregnancy progresses, there are a few surprises on the way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for tuning in for another week! We’ve got a mixture of fluff and angst this week...hope you enjoy :)

The more Joe thinks about it, the more he knows John is right. 

Anything could happen to either of them any day, and as responsible parents it’s only right that they ensure that their wills are up to date and the proper arrangements are in place. They’re going to have another baby soon, which makes this all the more important. 

But Joe hates imagining any scenario where he has to live without John, and his husband’s comments have reminded him that this is likely to become a reality sooner rather than later. 

He wakes Jack and makes him breakfast, but his mind is preoccupied with thoughts of his earlier fight with John. They’re generally not argumentative as a couple, so it’s shaken him a little. Especially since he knows this is something that’s difficult for John to think about too, and it was John who had the confidence to bring it up. 

When John arrives home later that morning with a brown envelope of papers under his arm, Joe feels the guilt wash over him. He assumes John must still be angry as he doesn’t give Joe his usual kiss in greeting, so Joe decides he needs to be the one to make the first move. 

“Hey,” Joe says softly. “How’d it go?”

John pauses as he pulls off his coat, looking a little suspicious at the younger man’s sudden change in mood. “It was fine.”

John doesn’t elaborate, and his body language is still a little stiff. 

Joe smiles shyly. “Can I have a kiss?”

That makes John’s face soften. “Of course.”

The older man brushes his lips against Joe’s, wrapping an arm around the younger man’s waist, and the tension lifts a little. 

Joe glances at Jack, who’s playing with his trains happily on the living room floor, before taking John’s hand to lead him to the kitchen. 

When they have some privacy, Joe wraps his arms around his husband’s neck and pulls him close. 

“I’m sorry,” Joe says, his lips brushing against John’s ear. “I don’t want to fight.”

John’s arms wrap around Joe, squeezing gently. “I don’t want to fight either, love. I’m sorry if I upset you earlier. You’re pregnant and you don’t need any more stress.”

“Honestly, John, you were right. It _is_ important that we think about this stuff, however hard it may be.” Joe blinks back tears. “I just hate thinking about anything happening to you-“

He cuts off, his voice wobbling a little. 

“I know, sweetheart.” John kisses Joe’s hair. “It’s never nice to think about this stuff. I hate thinking about it too. Look, I’ve got some notes from my solicitor telling us what decisions we need to make. Why don’t we sit down and do this all this afternoon? We can just get it over and done with and then we don’t have to worry about it. We can just focus on getting ready for the baby. How does that sound?”

“Yeah,” Joe smiles. “That sounds good.”

They kiss again, and Joe suddenly feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. 

The thought of something happening to John will always be at the back of his mind, but John is here with him now, safe and happy, and that’s all that matters. 

*****

It’s a painful afternoon going through John’s will, but they manage to get through it. John takes the document away covered in red pen and post-it notes to return to his solicitor, and Joe has a list of amendments to make to his own will. 

That evening they make love slowly and passionately, and Joe doesn’t miss the way that John keeps one hand on the younger man’s stomach the entire time. 

*****

As much as Joe is incredibly happy to be expecting a baby, he finds that actually _being pregnant_ becomes more of a struggle as the weeks pass. 

His morning sickness is far more regular than it was with Jack; he seems to be puking at all hours of the day which means that getting any errands done or having any kind of social life becomes impossible. His doctor reassures him that it’s nothing to worry about and that morning sickness is often worse during the second pregnancy, but it still makes him nervous.

“I wouldn’t worry,” John says softly as he strokes Joe’s hair after a particularly violent vomiting session. “Ronnie had terrible morning sickness when she was pregnant with Laura.”

It’s not just the morning sickness though. Joe seems to be gaining weight far more quickly than he did in his first pregnancy. Each morning he turns sideways and pushes up his t-shirt to examine himself in the mirror, frowning as he runs a hand over the curve of his stomach. He already feels like a whale. 

It’s not that he _hates_ the way he looks, but he doesn’t remember getting this big this quickly with Jack. 

“You look gorgeous,” John says to him every morning, kissing Joe’s neck and stroking his stomach on the way to the bathroom. 

Joe hasn’t publicly announced his pregnancy yet, so every time he leaves the house he dons a baggy sweater in the hope that he can pass it off as normal weight gain. It’s not often that he’s snapped by the paparazzi these days as he and John have kept a relatively low profile over the last few years, but he figures he can’t be too careful. 

When he’s four months along, Rami and Lucy happen to be in London for the first time in ages, so Joe suggests to John that they host a dinner party for the BoRhap gang. Rami’s been so busy with back to back projects that he hasn’t been to London in over six months, and Joe knows that Gwil and Ben will be excited to see him too. 

Brian and Roger are spending some time with their daughter so unfortunately can’t attend, but Joe is glad at least that Brian is getting away from London and taking it easy for now. 

Joe can’t even remember the last time he was in a room with all his friends together, so it’s a welcome distraction from all the pregnancy grief he’s been going through.

“Look at you,” Rami says with a grin as his eyes fix on Joe’s small bump for the first time. “All knocked up again. Nice job, John.”

John looks suitably embarrassed but also slightly proud. 

It’s a great evening; it reminds Joe of the days when they all used to go out for dinner after work. It’s nice having John with them too; the older man had always felt a bit uncomfortable the first few times they’d all hung out together, seemingly believing that he didn’t really fit in with a group so much younger than him. But Joe’s friends had always gone out of their way to make John feel as though he belongs, and it’s clear from his relaxed body language tonight that he very much sees them all as his friends too.

Joe’s also glad that Ben and Gwil seem to be in a far more jovial mood than they have been lately. 

Ben actually appears to be a little tipsy, but he’s smiling and laughing and looking more cheerful than Joe has seen him in months. He can tell Ben is in a good mood because he keeps cuddling up to Gwil and almost drapes himself across his husband’s lap; an affectionate Ben is always a happy Ben. 

Jack gets plenty of attention that evening which he absolutely loves; Lucy does colouring with him and he plays hide and seek with Rami, and he sits in Ben’s lap when they’re all having coffee in the living room afterwards. It’s only when Gwil asks to see Jack’s stuffed animal collection that the boy pulls himself away from Ben. 

“You look really good, man,” Joe comments when he and Ben get a moment together alone in the kitchen. He grins when Jack runs down the hallway outside, giggling as he’s chased by Gwil. 

“I feel good,” Ben says with a soft smile. “The last few months have been rough, but Gwil and I had a long talk after what happened with Brian. It really put things into perspective for us. Made us realise what’s really important, y’know? How lucky we are. And I had a long talk with Roger, who suggested we just enjoy what we have and count our blessings.”

“That’s great.” Joe pulls his friend in for a hug. “It’s so good to see you like this again.”

“I know I’ve been a bit grumpy lately,” Ben chuckles, “and I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you as much as I should have been. I’m really excited for you and John though and I can’t wait for the new baby.”

“Don’t even worry about it, Ben. You’ve had your own stuff going on. And I know you can’t wait to have another kid to spoil.” Joe clears his throat. “There’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about, while I’ve got you alone.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Brian’s heart attack freaked John out a bit so we’ve been updating our wills. Just in case.”

“Seems sensible.”

“It’s been painful, but it’s necessary. John and I have been talking about what we’d do if something happened to both of us. Who’d look after Jack.” He strokes his stomach. “And the baby.”

Ben freezes, his coffee mug halfway to his lips. “Yeah? You have anyone in mind?”

He clearly knows the answer to that question already, but he looks nervous, as if he’s afraid Joe might say someone else’s name. 

“Well.” Joe grins. “We were hoping you and Gwil might want the job.”

Ben’s smile is _blinding_, his eyes sparkling with happiness. “Yeah? Seriously? What about John’s kids?”

“We did think about them, but we see you guys more often and Jack loves you both so much. You don’t have to give an answer now, and I’m sure you’ll want to talk to Gwil about it-“

“He’ll say yes,” Ben says quickly. “I know he will. But I’ll talk to him.” His smile becomes shy. “I’m so touched that you thought of us, mate.”

“You’re like my brothers,” Joe says quietly. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” Ben’s voice is a bit rough as he pulls Joe in for a hug. 

They both have tears in their eyes when they part, and when Gwil turns up with Jack on his hip, he looks a bit concerned.

“Everything alright?” he asks gently. 

“Yeah,” Ben says happily, pushing himself onto his toes to kiss Gwil’s cheek. “Everything’s great.”

******

They get a firm _yes_ from Gwil and Ben the next day. 

John and Joe amend their wills immediately, and John seems satisfied enough with the situation that they don’t have to talk about this any more for the time being. 

Which means that Joe can just focus on _being pregnant_. 

And he’s becoming _very_ pregnant. 

Over the next month his bump becomes a lot more noticeable and his body takes on a softer _pregnant_ shape (it’s the only phrase he can think of to describe his new look). The morning sickness is still relentless, but John takes good care of him and even Jack is on his best behaviour. 

John has to take on more of the chores around the house and more of the childcare responsibilities, which he insists he doesn’t mind, including taking Jack to playgroup or to the park. Joe needs to be pretty near a bathroom at all times now, which means he can’t be quite as active with Jack outdoors as he used to be. 

It’s during one of John and Jack’s trips to the park that Ben unexpectedly turns up at the house, his cheeks flushed and a happy smile on his face. 

“Everything okay?” Joe asks as he steps aside to let Ben in, a little surprised as he cups his small bump. 

“Sorry for turning up unannounced,” Ben says excitedly, running a hand through his hair. “But Gwil’s at work and I had to tell _someone_.”

“What’s going on?”

If it weren’t for the overwhelming look of joy on Ben’s face, Joe would be worried. But he already knows what Ben is going to say. 

Ben grins. “I’m pregnant.”

Call it a pregnant person’s intuition. 

Joe smiles back. “You’re sure?”

“I took three tests this morning. I’m _pregnant_.”

“Oh my god. Ben, that’s...congratulations-“

“I’m _pregnant_, Joe.”

Joe hugs his friend, happiness overwhelming him. He can feel the excitement buzzing from the younger man, and he’s so glad that Ben has finally achieved his goal. All the pain and heartbreak that his best friends have been through will have been worth it. 

“You’re gonna be a dad.” Joe smiles. “You’ll be an amazing dad. You both will be.”

“Thanks.” Ben beams. “And we’re gonna be pregnancy buddies.”

“Yeah,” Joe laughs. “We sure are.”

“We can share clothes when we balloon up and massage each other’s sore feet.”

“You have a husband to do that for you.”

“Yeah, but you’ve got a fetish for my feet and you know it.”

Ben doesn’t stay long; he wants to see Gwil as soon as he gets home. He has a very quick cup of tea and they snap a cute selfie together on Joe’s phone, both rubbing their tummies with smiles on their faces, and when Joe shows it to John later his husband consents to it going on social media. 

Joe gets a text from Ben that evening with a string of smiley face emojis to confirm that he’s told Gwil, and to give Joe the go-ahead for posting the photo on Instagram. 

Joe grins as he posts it and types up the caption, and a few minutes later, Ben is the first to like it.

_joe_deacon We’re excited to confirm that Baby Deacon 2 and Baby Lee are officially in the oven. These kids are gonna be spoilt rotten! #pregnancybuddies @benlee @mrgwilymlee_

******

The next morning, Joe wakes up to a text from Ben. 

_Have you seen this article? :(_

There’s a link to an internet article included in the message from a website Joe doesn’t recognise. 

Joe frowns; he’d expected that there might be news of his and Ben’s pregnancies circulating online today, but the sad face emoji that Ben has tacked on makes him slightly nervous. 

He sits up in bed and taps the link. 

The website looks like an online celebrity gossip column. The article’s title confuses him a moment, but then his heart stops as realisation dawns on him.

_Deacons Do It Dirty_

Joe can’t bring himself to read the article as he frantically scrolls down to the video at the bottom, which is marked as _explicit content_. 

He taps the video with a trembling thumb, his heart sinking as it starts to play. 

He sees his own face filling the screen, grinning at the camera. 

_“Welcome to John and Joe’s sex tape,” _his onscreen self says. _“Take one.”_

Joe watches himself run to the bed behind him, where John is waiting for him. They’re both naked. 

Joe stops the video.

He knows how the rest of it goes. 

His first thought is _how the hell did they get this_, but he’s panicking too much to think too deeply about it now. 

_No no no no no this can’t be happening-_

When John comes out of the bathroom, he gives Joe a concerned look as the younger man blinks back tears. 

“Everything alright?” John asks softly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Joe deal with the aftermath of their video being leaked...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kind words on last week’s chapter! Only a few more chapters to go now...and still a bit of angst before we get to that final happy ending...

It’s been a long time since Joe has seen John cry. 

It’s a moment he never wants to repeat again. He never wants to see his husband look afraid, _distraught_, the way he’s looking now-

John can’t even bring himself to watch the video; he gets about ten seconds in before he goes pale and chokes out a sob as he listens to himself moan onscreen. Joe can tell that John isn’t really listening to any of the breathless dialogue- he’s seen and heard enough. Joe pauses the video, glancing at the older man. His heart breaks at the sight of tears on John’s cheeks and the hopeless look in his eyes. 

Joe’s mind is a blur. 

_Someone has leaked their sex tape_. Onto the Internet. For everyone to see.

_How the fuck did this happen._

Joe gazes at the image of himself frozen on the phone.

_God, do I really look that fat?_

Joe knows he will never be able to watch this video and get aroused. If he and John had been watching this knowing that they would be the only ones to see it, he would have found this hot. But all he wants to do now is be sick.

Joe reaches for his husband, who’s physically trembling. “John...I’m so sorry...”

“How did this happen?” John asks quietly. 

“I don’t know. I have no fucking idea. I swear I haven’t shared this with anyone.”

John swallows. “How many people will have seen this?”

Joe just gives John a helpless look, and his husband’s face crumples. John has been so careful to protect his privacy, and now it’s been shattered in the worst possible way. 

The press have not been kind to John over the last few years. He’d managed to stay out of the public spotlight for a good twenty-five years, and then with the release of BoRhap the paparazzi had sought him out like vicious hounds, lurking outside his house at all hours of the day to catch him off guard. 

It had been even worse after he’d started dating Joe. John’s face had been splashed across every newspaper, and the world’s media had made it clear what they thought of John’s relationship with a man thirty years his junior. When Joe had fallen pregnant the press had been _relentless_. 

Joe can’t bear to think about what will be in the papers now. He sinks into his husband’s arms and buries his face in John’s chest.

*****

Joe can’t help himself. He spends the next few days examining newspapers and websites. He never reads any article in full- but he can’t help but glance at the headlines. He finds himself biting his nails as he reads an article from one national tabloid on his laptop. 

_Queen’s Boring Bassist Gets Raunchy With Toy-boy Husband_

Joe can already feel the anger building in his chest, but he can’t help but keep reading. 

_Queen bassist John Deacon has become the latest victim of the celebrity phone hacking scandal._

Joe raises an eyebrow. _Celebrity phone hacking scandal?_

_A number of private photos and videos of celebrities, many of them sexually explicit, have been leaked online over the last three days. They are believed to have been obtained via a breach of two phone providers’ cloud services and have since been reposted across various websites and social networks._

Joe feels his heart sink. It would explain how their video was leaked, which in some ways is a relief to know that this isn’t entirely his fault, but it also makes him furious to know that their privacy was breached like this. He thinks of all the photos of Jack he has on his phone, and it makes him sick to think that some random creep could easily get his hands on those pictures. 

_Deacon, 70, appears in a sex tape leaked online with his husband, former child-star Joe Mazzello, 38._

Joe rolls his eyes. He always hates it when journalists refuse to call him by his married name, which he’s also adopted as his professional name. 

_The seven minute video shows the couple having sex in Deacon’s Putney home. The pair met in 2017 during filming of the Queen biopic Bohemian Rhapsody, in which Mazzello played Deacon. They married after a whirlwind romance, during which Deacon, believed to be worth £100 million, lavished his young lover with expensive gifts and holidays._

_Mazzello fell pregnant with their first child after only a few months together, and recently announced that he is pregnant again._

_A source close to the couple said, “John and Joe have a very active sex life. John supports Joe with a very comfortable lifestyle and in return Joe keeps things exciting in the bedroom. They’ll probably be furious about the tape being leaked as John is very private, but it won’t stop them from having fun together.”_

Joe snorts. It’s not the first time the press have plucked a ridiculous and insulting quote out of their asses and attributed it to _a source close to the couple_. Further down the page there are some still images taken from the video, but Joe can’t bring himself to do anything more than have a quick glance at them. 

Joe decides to take his mind off the article with a quick trip to the grocery store, which he’s avoided doing for a few days. The last time he’d left the house he’d noticed that people have started to stare a bit more. 

Joe is no longer just another faceless person in the crowd; he’s Joe Deacon, former child-star and boy-toy husband of John Deacon from Queen who’s appeared in a sex tape. Being out of the public spotlight for a few years has meant that he hasn’t been recognised on the street very often, but with his face now splashed across every newspaper and magazine he can see people doing a slight double-take as they pass him. He doesn’t blame John for not wanting to leave the house. 

Joe leaves the store as soon as he has what he needs, and although thankfully no one approaches him, he makes a mental note to wear sunglasses and a baseball cap next time. 

When he returns home, he feels himself smile when he sees Ben’s car parked in their driveway. He hasn’t actually seen his best friend since Ben came over to tell Joe that he’s pregnant, and he could really use a distraction from the shit that’s been happening over the last few days. 

He finds Ben and John sitting on the sofa together talking quietly, and Joe can already tell that the younger man’s presence seems to have relaxed John. Ben is looking very cosy in a large sweater, a flushed smile on his face as he places a hand on John’s knee while whispering a joke, and his smile grows wider when he spots Joe.

“Hey, preggers,” Ben chuckles. 

“Hey, preggers.” Joe sticks out his tongue.”

“Hope you don’t mind; I thought you were due a visit from your favourite friend.”

“Obviously,” Joe laughs as he toes off his shoes. “I start feeling dizzy if I haven’t seen you for a few days.”

At that moment Jack comes bounding in with a couple of stuffed animals and his plastic tea set. 

“Dada!” he says excitedly as he dumps his things on the floor and rushes over to hug Joe’s leg. “You’re just in time for the tea party!”

“Awesome.” Joe strokes his son’s hair. “Tea parties are my favourite.”

“Why don’t you set everything up with Daddy?” Ben suggests. “I’ll help Dada make some real tea for the grown-ups.”

Jack nods shyly, before tugging at John’s hand and shooting Ben a bashful smile. 

“So how’ve you been feeling?” Joe asks as Ben follows him into the kitchen. Part of him wants to avoid the elephant in the room, but he’s also conscious that the last few days should have been centred around Ben’s good news. 

“Oh, horrible,” Ben laughs as Joe boils the kettle, placing a hand on his flat stomach. “I’ve been throwing up day and night and my nipples are sore no matter what I wear.” He glances down at his stomach with a happy smile on his face. “But it’s totally worth it.”

“Totally,” Joe agrees. “You look great, man. I bet Gwil’s been taking good care of you, huh?”

“I’ve had to rein him in a little. We were out shopping yesterday and he wanted to buy all this stuff for the baby. We ended up buying a whole load of clothes and blankets, but I managed to stop him from getting a bloody cradle.”

“He’s excited to be a dad. Let him spoil you and the baby a little.”

“Oh don’t worry, I will! How have you been feeling though? John says you’ve been really queasy too?”

Joe shrugs. “Yeah, I’ve been puking a lot. Way more than I did when I was pregnant with Jack. But the doc says that’s normal- the sickness and fatigue can be worse with the second one. And I’m gaining weight a lot quicker too.”

“Mm.” Ben wraps his arms around the older man. “You’re nice and squishy.”

Joe hugs Ben back, suddenly feeling so much more at ease. He’s missed their friendly banter, and even though it’s distracted him for a few minutes, there’s a question at the back of his mind that he desperately wants to ask Ben.

“Did you watch the video?” Joe asks quietly, unable to avoid the topic any longer.

“No,” Ben replies simply, looking at Joe with sad eyes. “Of course I haven’t watched it. People keep posting links to it on my Instagram though.” He pauses. “And…pictures. From the video. That’s how I found out about it in the first place.”

“Sorry,” Joe says quietly, feeling his face beginning to burn.

“It’s not your fault,” Ben says softly. “The only person who’s at fault here is the arsehole who posted it in the first place.”

“From what I’ve read it sounds like a few people have had stuff posted online. Some kind of hacking scandal or data breach apparently.”

“That’s what John said. I think he’s been doing some research too. He’s worried about you, Joe.”

Joe frowns. “Worried about _me_?”

“Of course.” Ben’s voice is soft. “He’s worried about the stress this is putting you under when you’re pregnant.”

Joe’s been so worried about the effect this has all been having on John that he hasn’t even thought about the fact that John might be worried about _him_. They’ve been avoiding talking about the topic over the last couple of days, which Joe knows isn’t healthy, and he can’t help but feel that he’s partly responsible for putting that distance between them. 

Ben keeps them company for the afternoon, and it’s the first time since the video was leaked that they’ve been able to enjoy some real family time. It’s the first time Joe has seen John smile in days, and Jack seems happy enough to have some attention from Ben.

Later that afternoon, once Ben has gone home, Joe has a phone call from his mother, and that sinking feeling returns when she asks him if everything is okay.

“We’re fine, Mom,” Joe reassures her, not quite believing himself. 

He knows his mom wouldn’t have watched the video. He does find himself wondering which pictures she would have seen though, which still images from the video were slapped across the front of her morning newspaper.

Rami calls them from New York as well. It’s good to hear his voice, but Joe doesn’t need another reminder that everyone he cares about has probably seen pictures from this video. 

Ronnie calls but John won’t speak to her. He asks Joe to tell her that he’s busy, and Joe feels terrible when he tells Ronnie that John isn’t feeling well. He can tell that she doesn’t quite believe him; she’s lived through enough of this to know how John behaves when it all gets too much. 

John also refuses to speak to Roger when he calls. Joe talks to Roger for over an hour though, and he finds that the older man is surprisingly helpful. Roger has, after all, been through something similar, although without the internet and social media to fuel the fire.

“It’ll be alright, Joe,” Roger reassures him. “I promise it will get better. People will get bored of talking about it in a week or two.”

Everyone is clearly concerned about them, and Joe is grateful, but really he just wants to be left alone.

Every time he goes out now he has to carefully consider his outfit. Will he be recognisable? Will his face be hidden well enough? 

Whenever he drops Jack off at playgroup, he can hear the other parents whispering, he can feel their eyes on him. That’s perhaps the most heartbreaking thing; knowing that this is going to start affecting Jack’s life too. 

John rarely goes out with Joe, but when he does it’s _awful_. People shout lewd comments at them in the street. People start approaching John for autographs on a regular basis. Men wolf-whistle and catcall Joe, and John simply takes Joe’s hand and they walk a little faster.

When they go to the supermarket John walks swiftly down the aisle that contains magazines and newspapers, ignoring the image of his own face staring at him from most of the front covers. Most papers are unable to show obscene images, so they seem to have settled for still images from the video of John staring sensually at the camera. Lots of magazines also seem to favour showing an image of John from forty years ago compared to images of him from the video now, in a perverse sort of “Before and After” comparison, highlighting his physical flaws and how much older he looks.

John stops buying his daily newspaper. 

He also avoids speaking to his children. He’s clearly afraid that they may have seen photos on social media and is too ashamed to discuss it with them. He asks Joe to tell them he’s fine should they bring it up.

Joe wants to believe what Roger said about things getting better. He wants to believe all his friends. But every night he and John go to sleep with barely a goodnight kiss, sleeping an inch further apart every time. He’s forgotten what it feels like to have John’s lips against his skin, John’s hands on his hips, John’s laugh in his ears.

Joe keeps trying to tell himself that things _will_ get better. 

*****

Joe has been trying to avoid his social media accounts, but one night he finds the temptation too great.

He knows he’s only asking for trouble, but he finds himself sitting in bed with his laptop, scrolling through comments that people have posted about the video.

Some are quite complimentary.

_Fucking hot stuff._

_I’d bang Joe’s ass any day._

_I could watch these guys together all day._

Others have a distinctly nasty tone.

_Gross one’s balding and one’s fat wtf._

_Joe would look good if he lost a few pounds but it was hot watching his chubby ass get fucked._

_John’s really let himself go._

Joe glances through the comments, his blood boiling. The comments about John anger him the most. Even the anonymous individuals who are almost flattering make him feel sick; his stomach churns knowing that so many people have watched this and passed judgement on them both. 

Joe closes his laptop and shifts so he’s lying down beside his husband. He strokes John’s chest gently and places a kiss to the shell of his ear. It’s been weeks since they’ve had sex. What had once been an intimate act between them is now something that the whole world has knowledge of.

John puts his book down so that he can cuddle Joe, and Joe just feels the overwhelming urge to burst into tears. 

“I’m sorry,” Joe whispers as a tear slides down his cheek.

John’s face softens. “Sorry for what, love?”

“It’s my fault.” Joe rubs his eyes. “If I hadn’t persuaded you to do that video, none of this would have happened.”

John squeezes Joe gently. “None of this is your fault, understand? We made a video for our own private enjoyment and some arsehole shared it with the world without our consent. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Everyone’s seen it,” Joe hiccups. “Everyone knows what we look like naked, John.”

“I know,” John says weakly.

“Everyone knows what we enjoy in bed. The things I say to you when I’m aroused. What you look like when you orgasm.”

“I know.” John strokes Joe’s back. “We’ll pull through this. We’re not the first people this has happened to and we’ll pull through this just as others have.” He presses a kiss to Joe’s nose. “Besides, without you persuading me to do this video, we wouldn’t be having another baby. So _something_ good came out of this.”

Joe’s lips curl up into a smile and he runs gentle fingers through John’s thinning hair, before fondly stroking his jaw. John closes his eyes and let out a sigh. For a moment Joe forgets all his cares and worries; it’s just him and John in bed together. 

He leans forward and places a gentle kiss to his husband’s lips.

John doesn’t resist him and opens his mouth willingly, caressing the younger man’s tongue with his own. Joe sighs into the kiss as it deepens, running his hands across John’s shoulders and chest. John gropes his ass firmly, and when the older man begins grinding against him he feels as though normality has finally returned.

John fumbles with Joe’s boxer-briefs, pulling them down his hips and thighs. Joe returns the favour, and he almost laughs with happiness as they kiss, naked from the waist down.

When Joe takes the older man’s erection in his hand though, he falters.

“What’s wrong?” John asks, his voice husky with arousal.

“I…” Joe swallows. “I was just thinking. I used to be one of the only people in the world who’d ever seen you hard. And now…well.”

John’s face crumples. 

Joe lets his husband’s cock slip from his grip. He can’t do this. He can’t do this knowing that everybody’s seen what they’re about to do. 

Instead he buries his face in John’s chest, his underwear still bunched around his thighs, and starts sobbing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe and Ben find some time to support each other through their pregnancies...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly shorter chapter this week, but there’s lots more fluff in this one to make up for the last few weeks of angst!
> 
> (Although there is a teeny bit of angst- warning for mentions of traumatic childbirth)

Things seem to go from bad to worse a few weeks later.

Joe wakes up to a horrible pain in his stomach one morning, and panic immediately sets in as he cups his bump. It’s as if his insides are spasming and although it’s a dull pain, he’s still worried. It’s unlike any pain he’s ever felt before, and his mind immediately starts racing through worst case scenarios-

_Oh my god the baby what’s wrong the baby is hurt something’s not right-_

“Joe?” John’s hand is on his bump, concern in his voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t know,” Joe says through gritted teeth. “Something’s not right. I think something’s wrong with the baby.”

They decide to go to the hospital. 

John phones Gwil and Ben, and thankfully they’re able to arrive within twenty minutes to look after Jack. Ben goes pale when he sees Joe clutching his bump with a pained expression.

“Don’t worry about Jack. We’ll take good care of him,” Gwil promises as he helps Joe into the car. “Just get yourself to the hospital and keep us updated.”

John breaks the speed limit pretty much all the way to the hospital, driving through three sets of red lights and swearing under his breath until they arrive. The pain in Joe’s stomach is still excruciating as he’s hurried to a private room in a wheelchair, and all he can think about is the baby. 

He wonders if their unborn child can feel pain too.

John helps him into a gown with trembling hands as Joe is given some painkillers and told to wait for the doctor.

“I don’t want to lose the baby,” Joe babbles with tears running down his cheeks, clutching John’s hand with terrified eyes.

“I’m sure everything’s fine, sweetheart.” John kisses the back of Joe’s hand. “I’m sure we’re worrying about nothing.”

“Did anything like this ever happen to Ronnie?”

John doesn’t answer, and instead gets up to pour his husband a glass of water. 

The painkillers have luckily kicked in by the time the doctor arrives to examine Joe. The dull ache hasn’t completely disappeared though; he can still feel that something isn’t right, even if he isn’t writhing on the sheets in agony. 

“Have you felt the baby move at all?” the doctor asks as he feels Joe’s bump. 

“No,” Joe says in a panic. “Is that bad?”

The doctor suggests an ultrasound, and Joe feels sick as he holds John’s hand and waits for the machine to boot up. When it whirrs to life, the doctor examines the screen with a look of concentration on his face, and then he raises an eyebrow as realisation dawns. 

“What’s wrong?” John asks nervously. 

“I think I see the problem,” the doctor chuckles. “Don’t worry, Joe, you and your baby are perfectly fine.”

“Perfectly fine?” Joe chokes. “My insides feel like they’re about to explode!”

“I can assure you there’s nothing wrong. Look. Here’s your baby.” 

Joe swallows as he looks at the screen and focuses on where the doctor is pointing. He can see the outline of the baby, and for a moment he forgets why they’re here. All he can think about is the tiny little human inside him, the human that’s part him and part John. It reminds him of the first time he saw Jack, and his heart flutters. 

“He’s perfectly fine,” the doctor says with a smile. 

“_He?_” Joe’s heart stops. 

“Yes.” The Doctor blinks. “I’m sorry. You weren’t aware that you’re having a boy?”

Joe blinks up at John, the pain now a second thought. “We’re having another boy.”

“Another boy,” John says softly, kissing Joe’s hair. “Jack will be pleased.”

There had been a small part of Joe that had thought a girl might be nice, but he finds himself feeling unspeakably happy at the thought of another son. Someone for Jack to grow up with and be best friends with for life. It reminds him of how excited he’d felt when he’d found out he was getting his own baby brother as a child. 

“Your seventh son,” Joe chuckles. “What’s up with your balls, huh? Too much testosterone to produce another girl?”

“I’ll have to break it to Laura that she’s still the only Deacon woman in the family.” John’s face becomes a little more serious. “Are you...disappointed?”

“Definitely not,” Joe says truthfully.

They spend a few moments looking at the screen together, before Joe is reminded of the dull pulsing pain in his stomach.

“It’s good to know that the baby’s fine,” Joe says, “but can you tell us what’s with the pain?”

“Oh, yes. Nothing to worry about at all.” The doctor clears his throat. “It’s trapped wind.”

There’s a pause.

Joe blinks. “Trapped wind?”

“Yes. Bowel gas. Nothing more. You can see it here on the ultrasound if I just move the wand over here a little. Very common in pregnancy.”

It’s such a relief to know that the baby is fine and Joe’s so happy at the news that he’s going to have another boy that he doesn’t really have the emotional capacity to be embarrassed. John thankfully doesn’t comment as he thanks the doctor and accepts some vitamins for Joe.

“Sorry for making you drive me to the hospital,” Joe sighs in the car on the way home. “I should’ve known I was just feeling farty.”

“It’s better to be safe than sorry,” John chuckles. “I’m just glad you’re both okay. Brace yourself for when we get home though. I did text Ben to let him know what was happening and I can sense there’s some ribbing coming your way.”

Sure enough, the minute they get home Ben is waiting to greet them with a grin on his face and Jack on his hip. 

“_Trapped wind_?” he laughs. 

“It was super painful!” Joe exclaims, his face reddening as he cups his bump. 

Gwil also has an amused look on his face. “So you woke us up at the crack of dawn so you could be rushed to the hospital because you had _trapped wind_?”

“What’s trapped wind?” Jack asks curiously. 

“I’ll tell ya later, honey,” Joe says quickly, trying to distract his son as he takes the boy from Ben and carries him to the sofa. “We’ve got something exciting to tell you.”

“What is it?” Jack asks as John pulls him into his lap. 

Joe smiles and takes hold of Jack’s tiny hand to place it on his bump. “You’re going to have a baby brother.”

Jack’s eyes widen. “Really? I’m getting a brother!”

“Uh-huh.”

Jack lets out a little excited squeal and gives John a kiss on the nose, before scrambling onto Joe’s lap to give him a cuddle. 

“Thank you Dada! When will my brother be here?”

“Not for a while, honey.”

“Okay. I’ll start drawing him some pictures.”

Jack waddles off happily to find his paper and crayons, and Joe is pulled into a hug by Ben. 

“Another boy!” Ben says excitedly. “Congratulations, mate.”

Despite the earlier ribbing about his trapped wind, Joe feels ecstatic. _Another boy._

A _healthy_ baby boy.

Joe is buzzing for the rest of the day, and he can tell that John is in a good mood too from how talkative he is. Ben and Gwil stay for dinner, which Jack is very excited about. The turmoil from the last few weeks feels like it happened so long ago now, and it’s nice for the four of them to just spend some time together getting excited about their babies. 

That night, Joe is in such a good mood that he doesn’t bother putting anything else on when he undresses for bed. 

“Remember the time I gave you a lap dance when I was pregnant with Jack?” Joe murmurs as he nuzzles John’s neck.

“How could I forget?” John chuckles, cupping Joe’s ass.

“Well, I’m way too big to do that now.” Joe palms his husband’s dick. “Sorry.”

“You’d probably struggle with your trapped wind anyway,” John quips. 

Joe gives his husband a playful smack, laughing as John pins him to the bed and starts tickling him. 

It isn’t long before they’re both naked in each other’s arms, laughing and kissing, sex tapes and pregnancy pains long forgotten. 

*****

As the weeks pass by, Joe and Ben seem to become joined at the hip more and more. 

Not that Joe’s complaining. It’s really nice to have someone else to be pregnant with. Someone else who can’t drink at dinner and who knows what it’s like to get up five times a night to pee. It’s nice to be able to swap war stories about how their nipples are sensitive all the time and how itchy their stretch marks are. 

Jack seems to be oblivious to the fact that Ben is quickly gaining weight and now also sporting a sizeable bump, and it isn’t until he attempts to jump into Ben’s arms one day that they finally tell him. 

“Not so rough, Jack,” Joe scolds. 

“He’s okay,” Ben says softly, stroking Jack’s hair. 

“I don’t want him jumping on you so hard.”

He knows it’s unlikely the small boy will have done any harm, but Joe still can’t help but think back to Ben’s miscarriage, and the pain that haunted his friend for months. 

Ben chuckles. “You’re not gonna squish the baby, are you, Jack?”

Jack frowns. “What baby? Dada’s baby?”

“No, silly. My baby.”

Jack freezes, and then he stares at Ben’s bump with a mixture of dawning realisation and horror. “There’s a baby in there.”

“Yep. A very small baby at the moment.”

Jack looks up at Ben with wet eyes. “Who will be the baby’s daddy? Will it be Uncle Gwil?”

“Yes,” Ben chuckles. “Uncle Gwil will be the baby’s daddy.”

Jack’s shoulders slump. “I think I could be a good daddy.” He smiles at Ben hopefully. “Maybe...if Uncle Gwil decides he doesn’t want to be the baby’s daddy anymore, I could do it?”

“I think you might be a bit too young to be a daddy, Jack. It’s a big job. As _your_ daddy will tell you. And besides, I’m pretty sure Uncle Gwil will want to be the baby’s daddy.”

“Oh,” Jack says quietly, the disappointment returning. 

“But you can be the baby’s brother if you want?” Ben strokes Jack’s hair. “Your Dada will have his baby first so you can have some practice at being a big brother, and then when my baby comes you’ll already be the best big brother in the world.”

Jack does look a little more hopeful at that.

Joe finds it funny how Jack seems to become incredibly protective of both him and Ben as their pregnancies progress. Whenever they go out, Jack will hold Joe’s hand and glare at any strangers who get too close or anyone who attempts to touch his bump. Whenever they visit Gwil and Ben, Jack will bring Ben blankets and pillows in an attempt to make him as comfortable as possible. He even offers Ben his own snacks and juice cartons. 

Ben seems to enjoy the attention though; Joe has never seen him so happy. As it’s his first pregnancy, he seems to be savouring every moment of it, and his enthusiasm is almost rubbing off on Joe, who is so massive at this point that he’s pretty fed up of being pregnant. It’s refreshing to see someone loving being pregnant when Joe just wants to get it over and done with, so he humours his friend with lots of pregnancy talk.

He even lets Ben persuade him to try a pregnancy yoga class. 

Joe is far too big at this point to find yoga relaxing, but Ben has a great time and looks a lot more graceful. Joe even allows Ben to snap a photo of them both afterwards, looking sweaty with tousled hair as they cup their bumps in their sweats. 

Joe notices he looks considerably more grumpy than Ben when the photo appears on Instagram later that day. 

_benlee great afternoon getting my sweat on at pregnancy yoga with my pregnancy buddy @joe_deacon_

“Looks like you had fun,” John comments when Joe shows him the photo. 

“That’s one word for it,” Joe grumbles, rubbing his bump as he settles back against the pillows, every muscle in his body aching. “I can’t believe I let him drag me into that one when I don’t have the energy to play with Jack most days.”

“You’re tired then?” John asks, patting Joe’s bump. “You don’t have energy for anything else?” There’s a suggestive tone in his voice which makes Joe’s dick twitch with interest. 

“Randy old man!” Joe laughs as his husband kisses his neck. “I guess if I can just lie here...”

“You won’t have to lift a finger.” John winks and squeezes Joe’s ass. “Roll over, Trouble.”

Despite not having much energy, Joe is glad that their sex life is back on track. Not just because of the leaking incident, but also because he’s felt rather unattractive over the last couple of months. He’s officially the heaviest he’s ever been in his life- his bump seems to be about three times the size it was when he was pregnant with Jack, and he’s pretty sure his ass can be seen from space. 

But that doesn’t seem to have turned John off. Joe has to admit he’s secretly pleased every time John gropes his ass while he’s making breakfast, or he feels the older man’s erection digging into his thigh when they climb into bed. He loves the way John stares at him with a soft smile when Joe steps out of the shower, wet and naked and feeling like a whale. It reminds him that his husband still wants him.

Just like he wants Joe now. 

“Close your ears,” Joe whispers to his bump before John melds their lips together.

*****

Joe’s due date comes and goes. 

His mom phones him every day for a progress update, and every day Joe tells her that it’s not time yet.

Every day he becomes a little more miserable; he’s so uncomfortable now that even walking is a massive effort. Matters are made worse by the fact that Jack seems to have become particularly clingy lately, following Joe around like a puppy and demanding attention and cuddles at all hours of the day. 

John does his best to keep their son distracted, but it doesn’t seem to deter the boy. Joe isn’t sure if it’s because Jack knows he’s about to have to share the attention he’s used to having, or if he just senses Joe’s discomfort and wants to help in his own way. 

Joe wishes he could chase his son around the garden or jump on the bed with him when John isn’t looking, but he can barely stand on his own let alone do anything more than waddle to the bathroom. 

It gets to the point where Joe is two weeks overdue, and with no sign of the baby, he visits the doctor with John. 

The doctor gives them a list of home remedies to try, which Joe glances over sceptically. They’re told to go to the hospital in three days for labour to be induced if the baby still hasn’t arrived.

They try _everything_ on the list. Long walks, herbal tea, spicy food. 

But of course, it’s the sex that eventually does it. 

Joe is too uncomfortable for penetrative sex, but John gladly shoves his head between Joe’s legs and eats the younger man out until he’s writhing on the sheets.

Joe is just disappointed that he doesn’t get to orgasm before his water breaks.

He’s also slightly mortified at the mess he leaves on John, but they’re both too relieved that the baby is finally coming to really worry about it.

_The baby is finally coming._

*****

The labour is a lot quicker this time round than it was with Jack, but infinitely more painful.

After dropping their son at Gwil and Ben’s house, they just make it to the hospital in time. Joe is already swearing as the contractions tear through him, wondering how the hell he’s supposed to deliver a baby that’s nearly twice as big as Jack was. 

The baby is a _lot_ bigger, and apparently in an awkward position. 

After twenty minutes of pushing, Joe is exhausted, and it becomes clear that he won’t be able to deliver this baby alone. He finds himself panicking as his options are explained to him, but he struggles to take anything in as his thoughts are preoccupied with the baby. He doesn’t care what he has to do; he doesn’t care how painful it will be, he just needs to make sure his son is safe and healthy.

“The baby is in distress,” the doctor says. “So we have to do this quickly.”

The doctor attempts to help the baby along with a vacuum, which proves ineffective, and then forceps. The panic keeps Joe going through the pain; he knows he has to do this to save his baby. John squeezes his hand and whispers words of encouragement, but his face goes pale as he watches the doctor work between Joe’s legs. 

“Almost there, Joe,” the doctor says. “Try and push with me now- we need to get the baby out as he’s struggling to breathe.”

Joe lets out a pained cry as he attempts another push, squeezing John’s hand so hard that he’s sure he must be hurting the older man. But John just kisses Joe’s sweaty forehead and tells him how well he’s doing, how he’s almost there, how he’s nearly saved their son-

Just a few minutes later the baby’s screams fill the air, and Joe collapses against the pillows with tears on his face. 

“You did it,” John whispers proudly. “He’s _here_.”

Joe barely has a chance to give his husband a tired smile before he passes out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe finds there’s a few growing pains as the family adapts to life with another baby...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter! A bit of a longer one this week and the last chapter before Christmas- hope you all enjoy the holidays <3

The first thing Joe sees when he gains consciousness is an image that will stay with him for the rest of his life.

It’s peacefully quiet in the hospital room- a stark contrast from the manic rush he remembers before he’d passed out. There are no doctors or nurses in the room, and the only noise is from the quiet chatter of staff passing by the closed door in the corridor outside. 

John is standing by the window, a soft smile on his face as he cradles a bundle of blankets in his arms. He’s humming softly as he gently rocks from side to side, almost barely moving, his eyes fixed on the blankets. 

Joe attempts to sit up, but barely manages to lift his shoulders before hissing with pain. Everything below the waist _stings_. 

John turns and gives the younger man a warm smile, before carrying the bundle in his arms over to the bed. 

“He’s awake,” John says softly, speaking to the blankets. “Let’s say hello.”

Joe soon forgets about the pain as something stirs in the blankets, and he’s able to pull himself up to sit against the pillows that John props behind his back to accept the bundle that’s offered to him. 

Joe lets out an audible intake of breath as tiny eyes blink up at him. 

He thought the novelty of holding his baby in his arms for the first time might have worn off after Jack, but it’s just as overwhelming as it was with his firstborn. He strokes the baby’s chubby cheek gently with one finger, marvelling at the sweet little nose and cute tiny ears.

“He’s gorgeous, isn’t he?” John says happily.

“He’s so _big_. He’s like twice the size Jack was! Oh my god, how did I carry _this_ around inside me and then _give birth_ to him?”

The mention of the baby’s size reminds Joe of the sharp stinging pain down below, and he lets out another hiss. 

“I’ll go and get the nurse,” John says immediately. “They didn’t want to stitch you up or put you on strong painkillers while you were unconscious. I nearly lost my mind when you passed out, even though they kept telling me that your heart rate was fine and this apparently happens quite a lot after a traumatic birth.”

_Traumatic birth._

Joe stares down at his son. It’s hard to believe that something so small and innocent could be the cause of anything _traumatic_, but it was definitely worth it. 

“They cleaned you up a bit but they told me to just leave you,” John continues quietly. “They told me it was best to let you wake naturally. So Little Bug here kept me company.”

“Little Bug?” Joe grins. 

John reddens. “We don’t have a name for him yet and I had to call him something. Plus he looks sort of like a little ladybird with his spotty hat, so that’s the first thing that came to mind.”

Joe kisses the baby’s head. “I like Little Bug. Maybe we should just call him that. Little Bug Deacon.”

“I think he needs a proper name, love. Let me go and get the nurse and perhaps we can talk about it while you’re being fixed up.”

That turns out to be a _very_ good idea, because Joe definitely needs a distraction while the nurse works, especially since after his first dose of painkillers he’s told very firmly that he can’t have more for another two hours. 

“So I was thinking Mark might be quite nice,” Joe says through gritted teeth, trying to focus on John holding the baby rather than what’s going on between his legs. 

“Mark _is_ a nice name,” John agrees cautiously. “But didn’t you have an ex called Mark?”

Joe blinks. “Uh...yeah. Does that matter?”

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with our son being named after one of your ex-lovers.”

“_Ex-lover_, oh my god, _yuck_. He was barely a boyfriend, John, we were together for like two months. But I’m not precious about Mark. The other name I thought of was Matthew.”

“Have you ever had a boyfriend called Matthew?”

“No.”

“Okay.” John gives an approving nod. “Matthew is nice. He looks like a Matthew. And I actually think it goes quite nicely with what I had in mind for his middle name.”

“Which is?”

“Joseph.”

Joe frowns, slowly removing his legs from the stirrups now that the nurses have finished their work. “Joseph? Really?”

“You insisted on naming Jack _John_,” John says softly. “And I’d like our second son to have your name. Especially as it’s a family name.”

_Your father’s name_, John stops short of saying.

Joe swallows. “Yeah. Okay then. Matthew Joseph.”

“Matthew Joseph Deacon,” John says happily. “I still like Little Bug though.”

*****

They tell Gwil and Ben to wait until the following day to bring Jack to visit. 

Joe needs a bit of time to recover before he has an excitable toddler jumping all over him, and selfishly he also wants a bit of time alone with his new son. 

He manages a few successful feeds with Matthew that night which he’s very proud of, as he’d struggled a bit when Jack had been born. Matthew is surprisingly quiet and apart from a small amount of fussing every few hours he sleeps very well. John takes care of seeing to the baby during the night when he doesn’t need feeding, which Joe is very grateful for as he’s absolutely exhausted.

He doesn’t feel particularly well-rested when Gwil and Ben turn up with Jack the next morning, but the smile on Jack’s face is enough to give him the energy he needs. 

“Look, Jack,” Gwil says with a smile as he carries the boy over to the bed. “It’s your baby brother.”

“Baby!” Jack says excitedly, kicking his legs as a signal that he wants to be put down. “The baby is here!

“You need to be very quiet and still,” Gwil whispers, gently lowering the boy to the bed. “The baby is very small and you don’t want to hurt him.”

Jack obediently stays still once he’s been deposited on the bed, peering at the baby in Joe’s arms. 

“Wow,” Ben says with a smile, rubbing his bump as he gets a look at the baby. “What a whopper! Well done, Joe. You must have had quite a night.”

“Make fun all you want,” Joe grins. “It’s your turn next.”

“Big baby,” Jack says in awe.

“His name is Matthew,” John says softly. “Would you like to hold him?”

Jack nods excitedly, and John manoeuvres the boy into a better position so that he’s seated comfortably next to Joe. Joe very carefully places Matthew in Jack’s lap, who is doing his very best to keep still.

“Good job, honey,” Joe praises, showing Jack how to hold the baby. “Make sure you hold his head.”

Jack gazes down at his brother with a toothy smile on his face, and it’s the most still and quiet Joe has ever seen him. They look so cute together that Joe just wants to pull them both in for a big cuddle, but he’s secretly worried that Jack might accidentally drop or squish Matthew. 

“Why don’t you give him a kiss?” Gwil suggests gently.

Jack immediately leans down to press his lips gently to Matthew’s forehead, and Joe is glad that Ben discreetly catches the moment on his phone because it’s utterly adorable. 

“When can we take him home?” Jack asks excitedly. “I can’t wait to play with him.”

“Probably tomorrow,” John says. “Dada needs a little more time in hospital.”

Jack is reluctant to let go of the baby twenty minutes later, but Ben snaps a family photo of them all before peeling the boy away and promising him his parents and brother will be home tomorrow.

That night, Joe spends ten minutes staring at the photo Ben sends to him. It shows John with an arm around Joe, while Jack sits between them with Matthew on his lap. Joe saves another copy of the photo before cropping out John’s face and posting it on Instagram.

_joe_deacon The Deacon family is complete! Welcome to the world Matthew Joseph <3_

*****

Joe manages to get away with just two nights in hospital, which is a relief because he _really_ misses his own bed. 

Gwil and Ben kindly agree to drop Jack home in the afternoon so that John and Joe can have some time to themselves with the new baby, but Joe just ends up taking a nap the minute they get home. He feels a little guilty for leaving John to deal with Matthew, but then again he feels that birthing an 11lbs baby is enough justification for a little extra sleep. 

When he wakes up later that afternoon, Jack is already home and waiting for him downstairs for a cuddle. 

“Missed you, Dada!” Jack says happily, giving Joe a kiss on the cheek when he’s picked up, which reminds Joe that he hasn’t shaved in two days. 

“Missed you too, baby,” Joe grins, giving his son a sloppy kiss in return.

“I’m not the baby anymore,” Jack says proudly. “Matthew is.”

“You’ll always be _my baby_.” Joe tickles the boy’s tummy. “Have you been spending some time with your new brother?”

Joe glances over at where John is sat watching The Apprentice on TV, with a sleeping Matthew cradled in his arms. 

“He’s very boring,” Jack says grumpily. “He’s been sleeping the whole time.”

“That’s because he’s just been born,” John chuckles. “Babies need to sleep a lot when they’re little so they can grow.”

Jack doesn’t look impressed. “Can’t I wake him up?”

“No, honey,” Joe says gently. “He needs to rest.”

“So do you,” John points out. “I’m surprised you’re up already. You barely slept last night.”

Joe yawns as he deposits Jack on the floor before settling next to John on the sofa, resting his head on the older man’s shoulder. He feels safe and warm and happy, especially since both of his children are being relatively quiet.

Jack seems a little miffed that he’s no longer the centre of attention, but he silently retreats to the corner to play with his trains as Joe dozes off once again. 

*****

Joe had thought that the most tiring part about having another baby would be actually _looking after_ the baby.

And it _is_ tiring; he’d forgotten what it’s like to have to get up every two hours to feed the baby, or to constantly change diapers, or to have to take three bags of stuff with him whenever he wants to leave the house. 

But the _most_ tiring part is all the visitors. 

In the days and weeks following the birth, the house is filled with a constant stream of friends and family who all want to meet Matthew.

Joe’s mom, brother and sister are the first to visit. They fly over from New York with four bags of gifts for the baby, filled with stuffed toys and clothes and blankets. 

“Congratulations, honey,” his mom says with a warm smile as she gently rocks Matthew. “He’s so beautiful. He’s got John’s nose.”

She winks at John, who blushes with a shy smile. 

It’s nice having Joe’s family staying with them for a few days. It’s been so long since he’s spent time with them, and it’s also a chance for them to spend time with Jack. Jack seems to enjoy the attention his aunt and uncle and grandma give him, and Joe is particularly grateful for his family spending so much time helping with Matthew. He’s still getting used to juggling taking care of two children, and he has no idea how John makes it look so effortless. 

No sooner have their first batch of visitors departed than John’s family descends upon the house for an entire weekend. And as much as Joe loves Ronnie and Lisa and his step-children, it’s very tiring having to host and have the same conversations about the baby over and over again. 

At least his youngest step-sons have enough energy to chase Jack around the house for hours on end, which tires the toddler out and means it’s less of a struggle to get him to take a nap. 

“Such a big baby, Joe,” Ronnie comments with a smile as she strokes Matthew’s chubby cheek with one finger. “Well done you. I hope John’s been spoiling you. You certainly deserve a bit of a break.”

“You hear that?” Joe grins and nudges his husband. “Ronnie wants you to spoil me.”

“You’re spoiled enough, trouble,” John retorts as he takes Matthew from Ronnie. “And Matty’s spoiled too. I have no idea where we’re going to keep all these lovely presents.”

The Deacon clan had brought with them a ridiculous number of gifts, and while Joe is definitely grateful, John does have a point. The nursery is already full of stuff from Joe’s family, and even though they have a large house it’s still going to be a struggle to find a home for all these things. 

Jack eyes the presents with something like annoyance on his face, and despite the fact he’s getting lots of attention from his older brothers and sister, he’s clearly not happy that he’s not receiving mountains of gifts like Matthew. 

When Gwil and Ben come over for a proper visit though, they also bring a giant teddy bear for Jack, which seems to cheer the toddler up considerably. 

“To congratulate you on becoming a big brother,” Gwil says as he presents the toy to Jack. “It’s a big job, but I’m sure you’ll be amazing.”

“What do you say, Jack?” John prompts.

“Thank you, Unca Gwil,” Jack says shyly. 

He gives both men a hug, clinging onto Ben a few seconds longer and pressing a gentle kiss to his growing bump. 

“I’m starting to get why you complained all the time,” Ben sighs, glancing at Joe as he sinks into an armchair, cupping his bump. “I’m at the stage now where I can’t get comfortable no matter what I do.”

“It’ll be worth it though,” Joe promises as he hands Matthew to Ben. “You’ll get something really cute out of it.”

“And more,” Ben grins, tickling Matthew’s chin. “Can’t believe I’ll have one of these soon.”

Joe can’t help but smile as he watches Ben with the baby. He knows how long his best friend has wanted this and he knows how much pain Ben has been through to have a child of his own. He’s so close to finally having a family of his own, and Joe just knows Ben will be an amazing dad.

“You must be getting excited now,” John says warmly. “Only a few more months to go.”

“I _am_ excited.” Ben strokes his bump before glancing at Gwil. “Also a bit anxious though. I keep thinking about what happened last time. I know we’re a lot further along now but I still wake up every day imagining that something’s happened during the night, that something’s gone wrong.”

“I used to worry about that too,” Joe says reassuringly. “I think every pregnant person does. But like you said, you’re a lot further along now- your baby’s getting stronger every day. You’re nearly there.”

“I’m more anxious about what happens once the baby’s here,” Gwil comments. “This parenting thing seems like hard work.”

His tone is playful but there’s something serious underneath. 

“It is,” John chuckles. “Nobody really knows what they’re doing the first time, but you learn quickly. You two already have an advantage because you’ve had lots of practice.”

He nods at Jack and Matthew. 

“You’re gonna be amazing parents,” Joe agrees.

This seems to put the other couple at ease a little, and they share a soft smile as Matthew stirs in Ben’s arms. Ben looks so natural holding the baby, and the longing in his eyes is obvious as he gazes down at Matthew. 

Joe can’t wait to hold Gwil and Ben’s baby for the first time and spoil the kid to thank his friends for everything they’ve done for him. 

And tease them both mercilessly about the hardships of parenthood of course. 

*****

Over the next few weeks, Jack’s initial enthusiasm for having a baby brother seems to evaporate as he realises just how much attention a newborn baby needs. 

It’s not that John and Joe _deliberately_ give their oldest son less attention, but it’s harder to take Jack to the park whenever he wants or play with him when the baby needs to be fed. And Jack seems to be _very_ grumpy about the fact that Matthew disturbs his sleep by wailing every night.

Jack can’t seem to understand that his parents can no longer just drop everything to entertain him, and the boy starts developing a habit of throwing tantrums whenever he can’t get what he wants. Jack has never been one to throw tantrums before, and Joe had thought they’d been lucky and got away with having a perfectly behaved son. John reassures him though that tantrums are common at this age, particularly when a new child enters the house, and this kind of behaviour isn’t a reflection on their parenting. 

Joe can’t help but feel like it’s a failure on his part though. He knows he’s struggling to juggle the attention he gives to his children, which John seems to be finding less of a problem, and he knows it’s having an impact on Jack. 

When Jack shuffles up to him in the middle of feeding Matthew one afternoon, his eyes wide and hopeful as he offers Joe the pile of stuffed toys spilling from his arms, Joe knows that they’re heading into dangerous territory. 

“Please, Dada,” Jack begs softly, his bottom lip trembling. “Come and play.”

“I can’t right now, honey,” Joe replies tiredly. “I’m feeding Matty. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be with you.”

Jack’s face falls. “Matty _always_ gets you when he wants you, and I _never_ get you when I want you.”

“I’ll play with you in ten minutes,” Joe says, trying not to let the irritation show in his voice. “You have to be patient.”

Jack stamps his foot and throws his toys on the ground. “_I_ always have to wait! _Matty_ never has to wait!”

“Matty’s a baby, honey, he can’t wait, he needs to eat-“

“You said _I’d_ always be your baby!” Jack’s eyes are watering now, his face red. 

Matthew squirms in Joe’s arms, clearly agitated, and when Jack starts to cry, the baby pulls off of Joe’s chest and starts screaming too. 

Joe pats the baby’s back gently in an attempt to soothe him, but then Jack starts _wailing_. 

“John!” Joe calls desperately. “_John_!”

John turns up a minute later, frowning at the chaos in front of him. 

“Jack,” he says firmly. “Cut it out.”

When Jack still doesn’t calm down, John simply picks the boy up gently but firmly and carries him out of the room. Joe can hear his wails all the way down the hallway, and it breaks his heart to know that he’s the cause of his son’s pain. At least Matthew calms down enough to resume his feeding, his tiny wet eyes blinking up at John tiredly.

Twenty minutes later, once Matthew is fed and sleeping again, Jack shuffles back into the living room with John behind him, his eyes fixed on the floor. He’s stopped crying, but his cheeks are flushed red and it’s obvious that John has given him a talking to. 

“Sorry, Dada,” Jack says quietly, sniffing. “Sorry for being loud and for not waiting.” 

Joe smiles and gently lays Matthew down on the blankets beside him. 

“It’s okay, honey. C’mere.”

He lifts Jack into his lap and gives him a cuddle, suddenly feeling a lot less stressed when his son gives him a kiss on the nose. 

“Haven’t you got something to say to Matty too?” John prompts gently. 

Jack gazes sadly at the sleeping baby. “Sorry, Matty. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“Good boy,” John praises, giving his son a kiss on the head.

Jack doesn’t say anything else, choosing instead to rest his head on Joe’s chest and let Joe stroke his hair. They sit there quietly for a few minutes before Joe asks Jack if he wants to play now. Jack glumly shakes head, and Joe glances at his husband worriedly. 

Despite the fact that Jack has calmed down considerably, Joe can’t help but think that they’ll still have a few more growing pains to deal with. 

*****

Brian and Roger don’t get a chance to visit until Matthew is ten weeks old, and while Joe has been enjoying a few weeks of not hosting any visitors, he’s really excited to see John’s former bandmates. 

“You’re looking really well,” Joe comments to Brian as he pushes himself onto his toes to give the older man a hug and a kiss. 

Brian certainly has a lot more colour in his cheeks since the last time Joe saw him, and he generally has an aura of good health and fitness about him. Roger also looks a lot better; he looks well-rested and cheerful (and Joe is pretty sure his heart swells in his chest when he sees the older couple holding hands). 

“I’ve taken some time off,” Brian chuckles. “Just as the doctor ordered. And Rog and I have been on holiday in Wales.”

“Gwil will be excited to hear about that,” Joe laughs. 

The older men provide Matthew with some new outfits as a gift, which is actually very useful as he’s starting to grow out of some of his clothes already. 

They also bring Jack a miniature toy truck which he can sit on and ride round the house, which seems to make the toddler incredibly excited. 

“How are you enjoying being a brother, Jack?” Roger asks.

Jack shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“Just _okay_?” Roger chuckles. “Being a brother is the best job in the world. The most important job in the world.”

Jack doesn’t look convinced. 

“It’s like having a best friend for life,” Roger elaborates. “One who will always be with you. And he’s going to count on you to look after him.”

“Isn’t that Daddy and Dada’s job?” Jack asks sceptically. 

“Well, yeah. But it’s yours too. In a different way. Daddy and Dada won’t be able to be around Matthew all the time. They’ll need help to look after him. When you both go to school, for instance. You have to look out for Matthew and make sure he’s okay and nobody hurts him.”

Jack looks thoughtful. “A bit like a grown-up.”

“A bit like a grown-up, yes,” Roger laughs. “And when he’s a bit older, he might even tell you about things that he doesn’t want to talk to Daddy and Dada about. So you’ll be very special to him. Very important.”

“Very important,” Jack repeats to himself quietly. 

“I always wanted to be a brother,” Brian adds. “So you’re a very lucky boy.”

Jack is rather quiet for the rest of the evening, but after dinner he snuggles up close to Roger on the sofa and chats to him about his recent starring role as a tree at playgroup. 

When John asks Roger if he wants to hold Matthew, Jack chips in and asks whether he can hold his brother.

John beams and carries the baby over, settling him carefully in Jack’s lap. There hasn’t been such adoration in Jack’s eyes towards his brother since the baby was born. 

“Yet another thing you can thank me for later,” Roger says to John with a wink.

*****

From then on, Jack is almost inseparable from his brother.

He asks Joe if he can help with changing the baby and dressing the baby, and he even helps tidy Matthew’s room. His attitude towards his brother seems to have changed overnight, which Joe is really grateful for because he’s not sure he can handle another tantrum. 

“You love your baby brother, don’t you?” Joe teases when he catches Jack giving Matthew a kiss on the head.

“He’s a good baby,” Jack says happily in response. 

Even Ben notices Jack’s change in behaviour when he comes over one afternoon while Gwil is at work. Most surprising of all, the boy barely gives Ben a quick kiss and a hug before racing back over to play with Matthew.

“Sorry, man,” Joe grins, “looks like you’re number two now.”

“You’ve been turning him against me,” Ben accuses playfully, rubbing his bump. 

The peace doesn’t last long though; after twenty minutes Jack begs Ben to come and see how he’s arranged the toys in Matthew’s room, and Ben sticks his tongue out at Joe.

“Looks like I’m number one again, mate.”

While Jack and Ben are busy upstairs, Joe takes the opportunity to quickly feed Matthew. He pulls down his sweater and lets the baby latch on, before taking a minute to enjoy the silence. It isn’t often he gets moments like this to himself with Matthew; time to really bond with his baby.

He’s only interrupted when John appears and kisses his cheek.

“Save some for me later,” the older man murmurs huskily in Joe’s ear.

Joe blushes and tries to ignore the arousal in the pit of his stomach. They certainly haven’t had sex as regularly since the baby’s been born, and he wonders if he can persuade Ben to take on some unexpected babysitting duties tonight. 

Joe is just about to respond, when Jack comes hurtling into the living room breathlessly, his tiny chest heaving as he skids to a halt in front of them. 

“Dada, Daddy,” he says in a panic, “Unca Ben needs your help!”

“Why?” Joe asks worriedly, dread instantly replacing the arousal in his stomach. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s hurting!”

John tells Joe to stay put with Jack and Matthew so he can investigate, but Joe can’t help but picture Ben clutching his bump in pain, sobbing with fear. What if there’s something wrong with the baby? What if Ben has another miscarriage? What if he has to go through all that physical and mental pain again?

John must only be gone a few minutes, but it feels like _hours_. Joe pulls Jack into his lap and praises him for being such a brave boy. He holds his son close, and is slightly concerned about how quiet Jack is being. 

A few minutes later he hears hushed whispers and movement on the stairs, and he quickly deposits Jack on the floor and picks up Matthew to move to the hallway, where he sees John helping Ben down the stairs. 

“I’m taking him to the hospital,” John says immediately. “His water broke. He’s going into labour.”

Joe blinks. “Labour? Isn’t that a bit early?”

“Something must be wrong,” Ben chokes out, clutching his bump.

“Nothing is wrong,” John promises gently, helping Ben with his coat. “The baby’s just coming a bit earlier than expected. It happens all the time.” He turns to Joe. “Stay here with the boys, and call Gwil and tell him to meet us at the hospital.”

Joe nods numbly, and he meets Ben’s panicked gaze and tries to give him a reassuring look. He can tell it’s a bit of a shock for the younger man as his due date is still a few weeks away, and Ben is clearly terrified that his baby coming early is a sign of something bad.

“Hey,” Joe says softly, squeezing Ben’s arm. “Everything’s gonna be fine. Your baby’s coming, Ben. Just think, soon you’re gonna be able to hold your baby in your arms. Just think of that, yeah?”

Ben nods, but he still doesn’t look convinced. 

“Your baby’s eager to meet you,” John says gently. “So let’s get you to the hospital.”

“Call me when you get there, John,” Joe says quietly to his husband. “Let me know everything is okay.”

Once John has ushered Ben out the door, Joe immediately gives Jack a cuddle, praising him for being such a big boy and reassuring him that Uncle Ben is fine. He promptly puts on an episode of Peppa Pig to distract his son before phoning Gwil. 

He goes straight through to voicemail. 

“Gwil, it’s Joe. Give me a call as soon as you get this. Ben’s just gone into labour and John is driving him to the hospital. He’s fine but he needs you. Call me ASAP please.”

He knows Gwil won’t have his phone on him on set, and he wishes he had contact details for someone else who could get through to him. After ten minutes he tries Gwil’s phone again, and then again after twenty.

Gwil doesn’t phone him back until forty minutes later. 

“He can’t be having the baby now,” Gwil says in a panicked tone. “He’s early.”

“I’m telling you, man, he’s gone into labour. Please just get yourself to the hospital.”

“Shit shit shit. Okay, I’m on my way. Let me know if you hear anything from John, yeah? Jesus Christ.”

Their conversation is short as Gwil hangs up fairly quickly to jump in the car. 

Joe prays that Gwil can make it in time, but he’s starting to get a little worried that he hasn’t heard from John. The hospital is only a twenty minute drive from their house, so they should be there by now. He tries John’s cellphone, but goes straight to voicemail. 

An hour passes. 

Then two. 

He puts Jack to bed and reads him a story, trying not to show how sick with worry he is. 

Another hour passes. 

Call after call goes through to voicemail, and Joe is just about tearing his hair out when John finally walks through the front door, looking utterly exhausted. 

“What the _fuck_?” Joe demands, grabbing his husband by the shoulders. “Why the hell didn’t you call me? What’s been going on? Is Ben okay? Is he at the hospital? Is Gwil there?”

John nods slowly. “Ben is at the hospital and Gwil is with him. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to call you. It all happened very fast.”

“Very fast?” Joe echoes, confused. “You’ve been gone _hours_. What happened?”

He prays that John isn’t about to reveal that Ben lost the baby. 

The older man rubs a hand tiredly over his face. “Ben had his baby.”

Joe blinks. “He’s had the baby already?”

“Yes. We didn’t make it to the hospital on time. Gwil actually found us en route, but we had to pull over and...well. Ben gave birth in the back of the car.”

“Wait..._what_?”

“Yeah.” John smiles. “He had a healthy baby boy. And I delivered my first baby.”

“Fuck yeah!” Joe exclaims, pulling his husband in for a kiss. 

He can’t quite believe that Ben gave birth _in the back of a car_; his own births in a private hospital room had been stressful enough. But he feels an overwhelming sense of joy pass through him at the thought of Ben finally being able to hold his baby. And he’s also incredibly proud that his husband played a role in that. 

He doesn’t hear from Ben that evening, but he receives a brief text from Gwil to let him know that everything’s fine. 

And when Joe checks Instagram before he collapses into bed, he notices there’s a new photo on Gwil’s account. 

It’s a photo of a very tired and sweaty looking Ben, smiling sweetly at the camera as he sits up in a hospital bed, cradling a tiny baby swaddled in blankets. 

_mrgwilymlee so incredibly proud of my amazing husband @benlee who gave birth to our son this evening in the back of a car on the side of a dual carriageway. We’re really pleased to welcome Connor William Lee into the world! Love him so much already! (With thanks to John Deacon for being our midwife and with apologies to John Deacon for ruining the backseat of his car)_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18 months later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we’ve made it to the end! Thank you so much for your kind words and support throughout this fic. I’m really going to miss this ‘verse, and hopefully I’ll return to it one day. But in the meantime, feel free to say hi on tumblr @bohemian-rhapsody-slash where I’ll continue to respond to asks about the Deazzello family. 
> 
> Thanks and lots of love to you all! <3

_18 months later_

If there’s one skill that Joe prides himself on, it’s that he can have both his kids bathed, dressed and ready to go for _exactly_ when they need to leave. 

Well, just ten minutes after when they need to leave. 

Okay, _twenty_. 

But that’s pretty good in Joe’s books. It’s a definite improvement from the days when they used to turn up to places an hour late, so this is pretty much a family record. The ability to wrestle two toddlers into smart clothing in under forty minutes is something Joe feels belongs on his Resume. 

“I did offer to help,” John says with a raised eyebrow as Joe attempts to get Matthew’s tiny feet into his shoes, which is proving difficult when the boy won’t keep his legs still. “We’d have been out the door half an hour ago if we’d tackled this together.”

“I said I was _fine_,” Joe grunts as he ties the laces on his youngest son’s shoes. “And I _am_ fine. Look, we’re nearly ready to go. Jack, honey, where’s your coat?”

“Don’t need a coat,” Jack giggles, munching on the apple slices he’d been given to keep him occupied.

“Yes you do,” John says immediately, grabbing Jack’s coat from the coat rack. “Otherwise you’ll be complaining about the cold later.”

It takes another ten minutes for John to wrestle Jack into his coat and get his shoes on, and then Joe has to change Matthew’s diaper and his clothes when he has an accident. 

By the time they get the kids strapped in and settled in the car, they’re already running forty-five minutes late. 

“Please tell me there won’t be any journalists there,” John says as they drive down Putney high street. “I don’t think I can take talking to journalists tonight.”

“The press won’t be there,” Joe promises. “It’s a private wrap party; we’re not promoting the movie, so it’ll just be cast and crew. And special guests, of course.” Joe smiles at John and then turns to wink at the boys in the back.

“Can’t wait for the party!” Jack says excitedly.

“Party!” Matthew repeats, clapping his tiny hands together. 

The boys have been looking forward to this ever since Joe told them about the party a month ago. They still don’t quite understand the purpose of it or where Joe has been disappearing to most days for the last six months (they’ve been aware that he’s been going to work, but they’re still too young to understand exactly _what_ it is he’s been doing). But they both love going anywhere where Gwil and Ben will be, especially if it means they get to stay up late. 

It had taken a bit more persuading to get John to come along tonight. It’s been a while since John has made any official public appearances, but his willingness to support Joe had ultimately been greater than his desire to live a quiet anonymous life. 

That desire has only been more difficult to fulfil since John met Joe. Joe knows how much John values his privacy, and he still can’t quite believe how much John has sacrificed for him. Despite the fact that John’s face has appeared in the papers increasingly more often over the last three years (and their sex tape has been leaked to the _entire world_), the older man seems happy. 

Their marriage is better than ever, and Joe can’t help but feel that everything they’ve been through has only made them stronger. Their surprise first pregnancy, the shit they’ve dealt with from the press, their struggle to fall pregnant again, the sex tape- all of it has tested them to their limits, all of it has stretched the bond between them only for them to be even more drawn to each other. John makes Joe feel as though he could deal with _anything_, and Joe is hopeful that he makes his husband feel the same.

He glances at his husband in the driving seat, and his heart flutters. He’s _so_ in love with this man. 

By the time they arrive at the hotel, Matthew has already fallen asleep and seems to refuse to wake up, despite John jostling him about quite a bit to get him out of the car seat. Jack is still awake but looking rather sleepy himself, the journey clearly having tired him out, and his eyelids flutter adorably as Joe helps him out of the car. 

John carries Matthew all the way to the function room, stroking the boy’s hair as Matthew’s head slumps against his father’s shoulder. Joe holds Jack’s small hand in his own, smiling as his son gazes around the large hotel lobby, transfixed by all the people and the sparkling lights reflecting on the marble floor. 

When they walk into the function room, it’s clear that they’re one of the last to arrive. The place is packed already with familiar faces; there’s a crowded dance floor in the middle of the room filled with cast and crew members and their families, including young children, and there’s a small bar to one side. A few members of the crew come up to Joe to say hello, before Brian appears as if from nowhere. 

“You finally made it,” Brian chuckles, giving them each a hug and ruffling Jack’s hair. “The party didn’t feel right without one of our leading men.”

Joe laughs, pushing himself onto his toes to kiss Brian’s cheek. “I know it’s not really a party until I arrive.”

“I think Rami’s been looking for you. He’s desperate to see the kids.”

They spend a few minutes exchanging pleasantries until Roger comes over to offer them champagne glasses, although John politely declines as he’s driving later. Matthew slowly blinks his eyes open and giggles tiredly when Roger tickles his chin, and Joe smiles when Roger offers the boys a couple of mini “cocktails” he’s picked up from the bar- essentially small glasses of orange juice with colourful umbrellas and straws. The boys pretty much down them completely. 

“Don’t worry, Deaky,” Roger says with a grin. “I’ve only laced them with a small amount of vodka.”

Joe spots Gwil and Ben at the other end of the room as Brian and Roger are accosted by some of the producers. Ben has a sleepy Connor on his hip, who’s looking more and more like Ben every day.

“Con!” Jack says excitedly, tugging at Joe’s hand as he starts to dash towards the Lee family. 

Connor seems to come to life a bit when he sees the Deacon family approaching, and he gives Jack a little wave before his eyes fix on John. 

“John!” Connor says excitedly, wriggling in Ben’s arms to reach out to John.

For some reason Connor has developed a particularly strong bond with John- perhaps because the older man’s demeanour is much more quiet and reserved, much like Connor. Ever since Connor has been able to walk and talk he’s been drawn to John, preferring to sit with him at gatherings between their two families, and John has been equally enamoured with the boy, showering him with the kind of affection that he would usually reserve for his own children. 

“Hello, young man,” John chuckles as he sets Matthew down on his feet so he can take Connor from Ben for a cuddle. “You’re looking very smart.”

Connor giggles and buries his head in John’s chest as John kisses his blond hair. 

“He wanted to wear a nice shirt like daddy,” Ben says softly, stroking his son’s hair. He winks at Jack and Matthew. “You look nice, boys.”

Jack blushes. “Thanks. You look nice too, Uncle Ben.”

Matthew points over at the soft play area in the corner that’s been set up especially for the cast and crew’s children. Joe thinks this must be the first family-friendly wrap party he’s ever been to, which is actually really refreshing. It means he can probably be home and in bed by ten (another sure sign that he’s getting old). 

“Play now?” Matthew asks tentatively. 

“Yeah, go play honey.” Joe kisses Matthew’s cheek. “Jack, look after your brother please.”

“Wait for me!” Connor says excitedly as John lowers him to the ground. 

Joe’s heart swells three sizes as he watches Jack take Matthew and Connor’s tiny hands in his own, before leading the younger boys over to the play area. Despite Jack’s initial growing pains after his brother had been born, he’s become incredibly protective of the younger boy and of Connor as well. They’ve become a sweet little trio, almost inseparable, despite causing an awful lot of mischief when they’re all together. 

“Our kids are frickin’ adorable,” Joe says to Gwil, as John starts chatting to Ben. 

“I know,” Gwil grins. “Can’t wait to have another one.”

“Yeah? You’re thinking about trying again?”

“Yeah. Probably not until after we’ve finished the publicity tour for the film though.”

“Smart move,” Joe agrees. He can remember what it was like to be pregnant during a publicity tour, and it was _not_ fun. 

They chat for a bit about what they’re going to do with their free time now they’ve finished shooting, as they have a break of a few months before they begin the stream of interviews, premieres and inevitable award shows. 

“I’ve heard rumours that you might be up for a Golden Globe this time,” Joe whispers, nudging his friend. “Which means possibly also an Oscar.”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Gwil says with a blush, but he does smile. “I’m nowhere near Rami’s league.”

That’s not true, of course. Joe had been outraged when Gwil hadn’t been nominated for any awards after the first movie- they all had. Gwil’s portrayal of Brian had been uncanny, and they’d all known that it was nothing but Hollywood politics preventing Gwil from being nominated. This time though, Gwil has the advantage of being a more established name in the industry, and his performance has been as impeccable as ever. There’s been murmurings among the producers the same way there had been murmurings when Rami got his nominations, which Joe knows is a good sign.

Gwil definitely deserves it. 

“I’m just glad we got the chance to do it all again,” Gwil says happily. “It’s still the best job I’ve ever had in my life.”

“Me too,” Joe agrees. “Maybe we can pitch the idea of doing a third movie? Make another sequel set after Freddie’s death?”

“You’d have to break it to Rami that we’re firing him,” Gwil laughs. “It would be weird if that film covered up to the present day, eh? Maybe you could play yourself as well as John.”

Joe glances at his husband, who is still engrossed in conversation with Ben. John has become a lot closer to Ben over the last year or so, and Joe imagines it’s something to do with the fact that John helped Ben to give birth. There’s nothing that brings two people together like one of them watching the other push a human being out of their body. And from what he’s heard from both of them, it sounds like it was quite an experience. An experience Joe doesn’t think he’d want to go through himself. 

Joe mingles and chats with a few members of the crew before he manages to find Rami and Lucy, giggling to themselves as they sway together on the dance floor, clearly a little tipsy. 

“Hello, Joseph,” Lucy grins, giving her friend a hug. “Missed you!”

“Missed you too, Lucy!” Joe grins at Rami. “God, you’ve spent so long playing Freddie that you’re starting to party like him.”

“I make life more interesting, darling,” Rami says in his best Freddie voice. “Where are your gorgeous children?”

“In the play area with Connor.”

Rami hands his half-empty champagne glass to Joe so that he can run over to the soft play area and jump in the mini ball pit with the children. 

“And to think that man could be up for another Oscar,” Lucy chuckles with a playful roll of her eyes. 

“At least they don’t have ball pits at Vanity Fair.”

Joe smiles as he watches Rami play-wrestle with Jack, as Matthew and Connor shriek with laughter and attempt to free the older boy. But then his heart sinks a little when he remembers that Rami and Lucy will be back in New York in three days, and this wonderful bubble they’ve been living in for the last six months will be over. 

Again.

“You’re sad it’s over, aren’t you?” Lucy asks softly, her pretty eyes shining. 

Joe shrugs. “These movies are still the best job I’ve ever had. I’m never gonna work on something like this again where the cast and crew are so amazing, and the whole project is so personally important to me. BoRhap has given me everything good in my life, and after the press tour and awards season it will all be over again.”

“I’m not so sure it’s _BoRhap_ that’s given you everything good in your life,” Lucy says softly. “I’d say it’s an English rock band. And they’re still very much a part of your life.”

For someone so young, Lucy really does come out with some real pearls of wisdom sometimes. 

“Now you’d better go and rescue your husband,” Lucy laughs. “It looks like Roger is trying to cajole John into karaoke.”

*****

It’s a fun night, and although Joe does feel a sense of sadness now that this is all over, he knows he still has plenty to look forward to. 

Lucy’s words stay with him throughout the drive home. He may never have a job as good as the BoRhap films again, but he’ll never lose everything he’s gained from them. _Which is a lot_, he thinks to himself as he glances at Jack and Matthew in the backseat, passed out from exhaustion. He can’t wait to watch his boys grow up as part of the crazy family he’s come to love over the last few years.

And Lucy was right- BoRhap was just a vehicle for getting him to where he is now. Queen are the real reason he’s never been happier.

Joe reaches over to squeeze John’s knee, and his husband gives him a gentle smile. 

When they get home, John and Joe each peel one of the sleepy boys from their car seats and gently carry them upstairs. Joe gives Matthew an apologetic kiss on the head as he wakes the boy up so he can undress him. 

“Nearly there, Matty,” Joe says softly as he dresses his son in his dinosaur pyjamas. “Did you have a good time tonight?”

“Yeah,” Matty says softly, giving a soft yawn as his tiny eyes flutter. “Love you, Dada.”

“Love you too, baby.”

Joe doesn’t even need to read him a bedtime story; Matthew is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Joe gives him one more kiss before heading to the master bedroom. 

John is already there, quietly undressing and getting ready for bed. 

“That must be a record,” Joe says as he pulls his sweater over his head. “I don’t think we’ve ever got them down that quickly before.”

“Let’s enjoy it while it lasts,” John chuckles, stepping out of his underwear. “It won’t be this easy for a while.”

Joe can feel his heart pounding as he eyes John’s cock, soft between his legs, and he licks his lips as he finishes stripping off. He jumps on the bed and waggles his eyebrows. 

“We’d better take advantage of this time then,” he grins. 

John rolls his eyes, but he climbs into bed with the younger man and pulls him into his arms. 

“Not too tired tonight then?” John chuckles. 

Joe tangles their legs together and presses his erection against John’s hardening cock. “I _was_ tired, but I’m feeling very awake now.”

They kiss gently, and it feels so nice to have John’s naked body against his again that Joe can’t help but thrust gently against his husband. The kids are asleep and the stars are aligned and Joe is still buzzing from tonight’s celebration of everything they’ve achieved, and he’s so in love with John, this wonderful incredible man who he owes everything to-

The arousal is heavy in the air as their kisses become more frenzied, and then John is thrusting against Joe too. He cups Joe’s ass with one large hand to bring their hips as close together as possible, and then takes the younger man’s cock in his other hand. Joe copies his husband, and soon the room is filled with the sound of heavy breathing and grunting and the mattress squeaking beneath them. 

They don’t even get round to proper fucking- they just thrust into each other’s hands and make out like a pair of horny teenagers. It reminds Joe of the stuff he used to do with his first boyfriend before he felt ready to try penetrative sex. It reminds Joe of the clumsiness and desperation of his first time, and he comes almost as quickly as he did then.

When they’re finished, they lay naked in each other’s arms, the sweat cooling on their skin as they laugh and kiss. Joe tangles their fingers together, smiling as their wedding bands clink. 

He thinks back to the rough patch they’d been through after their sex tape had been leaked, and Joe knows that if that had happened to him with any other partner, he probably wouldn’t have been able to regain that intimacy ever again. But this is John. A man who’s watched him give birth naked on all fours and fucking _shit_ himself. And yet after everything stupid and humiliating he’s ever been through in front of John and with John, he still feels so happy and loved. He knows that there will be plenty more challenges waiting for them in the years to come, but Joe feels as prepared for them as he can be with his husband by his side.

“I love you,” John says softly, reaching out to caress the younger man’s cheek. 

“Love you too.” Joe kisses John’s jaw. “Thank you for your support tonight. For the support you’ve always given me.”

“Always. I can’t wait to see the film. I know you’re going to be amazing.” John brushes his lips against Joe’s. “You know, I almost stopped BoRhap being made.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Almost. Brian and Roger persuaded me to give it the green light. And I’m so glad I did. I wouldn’t have you or the boys without it.”

“I’m glad you gave it the green light too,” Joe grins. “I owe you everything.”

“You owe me nothing,” John says softly. “You made me live again.”

END


End file.
